Chronicles of the Burger Marines
by purplefishman
Summary: The Burger Marines... One of the strangest chapters of the Imperium... Dedicated to feed all the actors of the WH40K universe... There are thousands of strange stories that take place in their restaurants. Here are some of them.
1. Chapter 1

_In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war..._

_And high-proteinic meals._

_There is an order that is not frequently talked about in the war-fuelled 41__st__ millennium, but which baffles anyone who encounters it for the first time. It is as old as the Imperium, having been created alongside the first Legions of Space Marines. Its members go through the same genetic engineerings and are clad in the same holy energetic armors than the other Astartes. But those Marines chose a different path. Instead of fighting the heretic and the xeno with bolters and chainswords, they decided to show to the entire galaxy the superiority of mankind's gastronomy. They seek to serve meals that would satiate anyone and bring them the energy they need to fight, while at the same time tasting delicious. They serve everybody, humans, daemons and xenos alike, thinking that the more creatures eat their food, the more the reputation of human gastronomy will increase. And, by some strange alchemy, their restaurants stand as neutral ground. No matter how much the various species of the universe are at each other's throats, they'll politely ignore each other as soon as they'd step in one of this order's restaurants._

_They've been serving their customers for more than 10 millenia, and they'll only close when the End of Times will be on them._

_They are the Burger Marines._

_And they shall know no hunger._

"The Tyranids are coming !"

The Astartes screamed his warming as soon as he stepped in the restaurant. Immediately, all of his cooking brothers stopped and glanced, before abandoning themselves to frenetic preparations. The Burger Marines were running left and right, to the point that their red and yellow armors (with helmets white as snow where the face would be) would blur into some kind of colored fog. The steaks were being cooked, the fries were being boiled, and everybody was shouting orders.

A young scout named Quetsh Hup, who was mopping the floor, stopped one of his elders, clad in his Terminator armor, and carrying gigantic bags of frozen fries.

"- Tell me, brother… All those stories that are told about the Tyranids… Are they true ?

- Yes, young one, replied the veteran. And they are still far from telling everything about the nature of those xenos. Why are you asking me this, young Hup ? Are you afraid of their arrival ?

- There is no fear in my heart ! I may only be a scout… But I am still a Space Marine !"

The veteran nodded and would have patted the boy's shoulder if he had a free hand. He quickly took the way to the kitchen.

Soon, the whole restaurant was ready. All the Astartes gathered themselves behind the counters and in the kitchens. And they waited.

They didn't have to wait for long.

They could all hear a strange rumour. At first, it was pretty low… But its volume quickly increased, reaching deafening levels.

It was a cacophony of screeching, of clinking, of hissing… Thousands of claws were scraping concrete outside the restaurant, thousands of inhuman throats were calling… This sound would have frozen the blood of any living things in the vicinity, except the Space Marines themselves.

And the front door exploded under the charge of a monstrous Carnifex.

The beast rushed inside the building, followed by dozens upon dozens of other, smaller Tyranids. Termagaunts and Hormagaunts quickly joined the Carnifex, with a few Warriors on their trails. The floor seemed to be alive as well, as Ripper Swarms were running between the feet of the monsters. Lictors erupted from the floor as well, leaving huge craters behind them.

The whole horde was heading in the direction of the Burger Marines, growling, hissing, screeching… There wasn't a single spot in the field of vision of the Astartes that wasn't hidden by a chitinous shell, claws, fangs or vicious eyes. They soon were on the counter…

And they abruptly stopped.

The Tyranids ordered themselves in front of the counter, and then, the Carnifex raised one of his gigantic claws and pointed at the billboard detailing what was served in the restaurant

"I'LL TAKE 40 OF EACH !" Screamed the beast in a low-pitched and full of clicking voice.

"FOR THE EMPEROR !" Yelled the Burger Marines, before preparing the commands.

This would be a long, long night…


	2. 2  He should have gone to Kryspy Kroot

The Guardsman kept on looking at the billboard over the counter, but he didn't seem to be satisfied by what was proposed to him. The Vespid just in front of him got his order and paid, so now it was his turn, but he didn't have a clearer idea of what he'd take.

« What will it be, sir ? » Asked the Burger Marine in charge of taking the orders.

The Guardsman sighed loudly, still looking at the meals. This was enough for the Marine for understanding that something was wrong.

« - A problem, sir ?

- Not really, no... It's just... I come here regularly, and yet... Well, I'm getting kinda bored. You always serve the same meals, all over again... Nothing in your menu ever changes, nothing is ever added... Can you give me something new ? »

New... New... New... New...

His last word echoed in the silence of the restaurant, which was quite surprising considering it was dinner time. Wondering what was going on, the Guardsman took a look behind him. Every single customer of the restaurant was looking at him with terrified eyes, including those who were in the other side of the room. Worse, everybody seemed to have been frozen in place. He could see an Ork Nob staring at him although he was apparently about to bite in his burger ( he could even see the sauce of his meal slowly dripping from it), and numerous other customers frozen as they were chewing on fries and burgers or sipping their drinks.

He looked back at the Marine, deeply disturbed. The Marine was silent, but he could have sworn that the ocular lenses of his helmet widened somehow. And he wasn't the only one : all his colleagues at the counter and in the kitchens were staring at the Guardsman. Wopper, the restaurant's dreadnought, was even leaning his hulking mass from behind a pillar for having a better look at him.

« Would you please wait ? I must go search the manager. »

The Marine said those words in a tone that was colder than a winter night on Valhalla. He left his desk and disappeared behind a door on the side. The Guardsman heard some rumor in the room behind him. A quick look informed him that a few of the customers were rushing to the exit. This included, among a few Guardsmen, Eldar Guardians and Tau Fire Warriors, a Necron Lord and a World Eater.

The Burger Marines and the other customers were still staring at him silently, the first with an outraged and enraged look, the others with a terrified one.

Finally, the manager arrived. The captain Kayeff See stopped right in front of him, from behind the counter, and looked at him in the eyes. To say that the Guardsman had an foretaste of the Warp just by giving back his stare wouldn't do justice to how he was feeling.

« So, this is the heretic who wants something new ? »

The Guardsman swallowed his saliva with difficulty. Being called a heretic by a seven and a half foot tall demigod was already bad news, but to add to the uneasy feeling his sentence created, the captain spat the word « new » like some annoying grot he'd have inadvertantly been chewing, thinking it was a pastry.

« - Well... I... I... Staggered the Guardsman.

- The Burger Marines have been founded by the Emperor himself, worm, continued the Marine. One of the Sacred Commandments He gave us was to serve the best of the best of mankind's gastronomy. Those meals we serve here ? Their recipes have been approved by the Adeptus Gastronomicus after centuries of trials, tests and experiments. All this hard work not only for serving the best meals, but also to ensure that His will would be carried on until the End of Times. And you, you unworthy son of a squig, you want us to betray our ideals just for getting something new ? »

The Guardsman, shaking in fear, would still have tried to say that he was sorry for the trouble he caused... If the captain hadn't already drawn his storm bolter out.

A few seconds later, the servo-skulls patrolling the restaurant had already cleaned the mess created by the commotion.

Captain See put his weapon back into its holster, before giving a general glance at the customers. They were all looking a bit distressed by what just happened.

He immediately switched to his most charming smile.

« And don't forget our special offer of the week, yelled the captain in a playful tone : for two Supersize menus bought, you get a regular one free ! »

The expression on the face of the customers immediately changed.

« WARP YEAH ! » Screamed all the customers in unison.


	3. 3 Mmmh, whaccha sayyyyy

The Guardsman was seriously beginning to lose his patience. He never was good for all that waiting thing, as he was the kind to want everything at the moment he wished. And he couldn't have picked a worse time for coming to the restaurant : he arrived at the rush hour. The lanes for accessing to the counter of the restaurant were dozens of yards long, despite the fact that all the registers were open. The Burger Marines were doing as fast as they could, but a long period of wait was still necessary for the customers.

And the Guardsman had already been waiting for 20 minutes.

That was it. He couldn't bare this anymore.

« Oh, to the Warp with that ! Screamed the Guardsman as he was turning his back and beginning to get out of the lane. I'll just go pick some... »

DAKKA !

A bolter round in the forehead put a quick stop to his plan.

Every customer and Burger Marine stopped what they were doing for looking at the Commissar who shot the Guardsman. He seemed to be as surprised as everybody else to see the smoking Bolter pistol in his hand. He glanced in every direction, having the same look than a teenager caught by his mother watching a porn holotablet, before cackling uneasily, using his free hand for rubbing the back of his head.

« Hehe... Sorry... Force of habit... »


	4. 4 Red wunz go what ?

« … And so, I told him, ''no, we didn't kidnap your kid, monkeigh ! He's just hanging around over there ! And over there ! And over there, too !'' »

The Voivod laughed at his own wit, as the good memories (from his point of view, anyway) were rushing in. His audience, however, was not so receptive to Dark Eldar humor. The Saim Hann jetbike riders were looking at him with cold and judging eyes.

When he noticed, the Voivod's laugh quieted down.

« Well, that made everybody laugh back in Commoragh... »

They wouldn't admit it, but the Eldar were particularly annoyed by the situation. It had to be their luck that the only table that still had a free seat for a customer had to be theirs, so the Voivod didn't think twice before sitting with them. Him trying to break the ice only managed to make the situation even more embarrassing.

« Anyway, continued the Voivod, there was something that always bothered me... Mind if I ask a question ? »

The other Eldar looked at their Autarch. He was still the one who had to take decisions, after all.

« - Go ahead, said the Autarch in a neutral tone.

- You're from Saim Hann, right ? I can tell from all the red and all the jetbikes outside...

- Yes. What about it ?

- Well, you know who else uses a lot of red and loves fast vehicles ? The Orks from the Evil Sunz tribe !

- What's your point ?

- I always wondered if there was some link between you... »

The Autarch dropped his composure and was starting to try to murder the Voivod just by staring at him.

« - Are you implying that we are the same as those dirty mouthed barbarian !

- No, not at all, it's just that I find the coincidence funny...

- This is just this, fiend : a coincidence ! We are Eldar ! The finest beings that have ever walked in this universe ! No other race can compare to us, and certainly not those primitive Orks ! So if you ever suggest...

- BOSS ! »

Another Saim Hann Eldar was rushing through the restaurant in the direction of his brethen. He was looking particularly distressed, and, which surprised the Voivod, he wasn't moving with the grace usual to all the Eldar. In fact, his gestures were rather... Brutish...

« - Boss, said the Eldar as he reached his Autarch, Seerekis an' his boyz sed, dat we'z as slow as fat squiggothz, and dat der 'bikez are fastah dan anywun !

- WUT ? Screamed the Autarch. I will smash all der 'eadz an' put der skullz on my bike's ood ! BOYZ ! SHOW 'EM WHO GOZ FASTAH ! WAAAAAAAAGH !

- WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH ! » Screamed the other Eldar in unison, and in an instant, they had all left their seats and were rushing to the exit.

The Voivod didn't move at all through all this, but his widened eyes were a sure sign that he wasn't expecting this turn of events.

For a few moments, he stayed still.

Then, he looked at the table.

« Oh, hey, free fries ! »


	5. 5 Little snack, WH40K style

« Query : I'd take a Squiggoth Special, please. »

The Burger Marine behind the counter looked at the Flayed One waiting in front of him. It was a pretty quiet day at the restaurant, so he had all the time he would have wanted for dealing with this customer.

« - Ah, I'm sorry, sir, but we're all out of squiggoth meat at the moment. Are you sure you do not want something else ?

- Answer : No, human, I only want a Squiggoth Special.

- Alright, sir. But you will have to wait a bit.

- Affirmation : I have all the time in the universe. »

The Burger Marine nodded and turned for shouting behind him.

« BROTHER WOPPER ! »

A loud trampling noise preceded the dreadnought, who came out from the restaurant's kitchen. His left hand was still holding a gigantic spatula.

« - Yes, brother ? Asked the hulking behemoth.

- This man would like a Squiggoth Special. Can you work on this ?

- No problem. »

Wopper posed his spatula on a desk next to him. He began to go around the corner, going into the room. The lascannon that was taking the place of his right arm was already beginning to warm up.

« DEVASTATION SQUAD NEEDED IN STABLE N° 5! » Shouted the dreadnought, as he was heading towards the exit.

A few seconds later, a whole squad of Burger Marines came out of the back of the restaurant and took the way to the exit. Every one of the Astartes was sporting a heavy weapon : meltagun, lascannon, heavy plasma launcher, rocket launcher... They were followed by two Techmarines, who were sporting the Burger Marines' icon (a fist clenching a burger) on their left pauldron. The Techmarines stopped at the level of the Astartes that was taking the Necron's order.

« - Excuse me, brother, asked one of the Techmarine, I can't find the keys of the Land Raider, do you have them ?

- Oh, yeah, replied the Space Marine, reaching for a bunch of keys under the counter and giving them to the Techmarine. Here.

- Thank you, brother. »

The Techmarines joined the others outside.

A few seconds of silence, only broken by the sound of the Land Raider being turned on, followed.

Then...

« FOR THE EMPEROR ! »

The following minutes were engulfed in an incredible cacophony : explosions, people shouting, roars of some giant creature were coming from outside the restaurant. The building shook under the vibrations caused by the battle. A rocket exploded the wall on the left of the counter ; lasers bolts began to pierce the windows of the restaurant, one of them nearly decapitating an Ethereal and causing his bodyguards to throw him on the ground and to pile themselves on him for protecting him (which made the Gretchins that were eating on the next table laugh hysterically).

The Flayed One, for his part, was simply waiting as if nothing was happening, tapping his long claws on the counter. The Burger Marine that was serving him was perfectly stoic as well.

Finally, a deafening roar of agony echoed outside... And the falling corpse of the Squiggoth smashed against the side of the restaurant, turning the wall into a pile of rubble. Wopper soon appeared on the top of the body ; having changed his regular close combat claw for a chainsaw fist, he quickly started to cut up the meal.

« You'll take fries or potatoes with this ? » Asked the Burger Marine to the Flayed One.


	6. He'll never live it down

« What will it be, sir ? »

Firaeveus Carron took his place in front of the Burger Marine who was taking the commands. Frankly, after the Kaurava debacle, he needed a frakking snack.

« - Yeah, I'll take an Emperor's Choice menu with a Meat Titan and a Vulkan Cola, plus a Guilliman salad, and a... Whatever you call your children's menu with a regular burger for my familiar.

- On it, sir. »

The Burger Marine abandonned his post at the counter for collecting Carron's order. He didn't have to wait for long for getting it, as the Cooking Squads in the kitchens had already made a few. Soon, the Astartes gave Carron his menu and his salad. But there were no signs of the children's menu.

« - Excuse me, where's the rest of my command ? Asked Carron.

- Right here, sir. » Replied the Marine.

The Astartes turned away and showed Carron the Kiddimperial Box containing his last menu.

The Chaos Lord's eyes widened upon seeing the box. He froze into an indescribable expression. The Burger Marine quickly caught that something was wrong ; he got confirmed in his impression when he saw Carron's left eye twitch. The Chaos Lord's lips were also shaking, and... Yeah, there definitely was a bit of foam forming at their corners. It was as if Carron was about to have a seizure.

« Sir ? Asked the Burger Marine, genuinely worried. Sir, are you alright ? »

Carron finally snapped.

« CARDBOARD BAWKSES ! OUR ENEMY HIDES HIS MENUS IN CARDBOARD BAWKSES, THE COWARDS ! THE FOULS ! WE SHOULD TAKE AWAY THEIR CARDBOARD... »

Carron's crisis passed as fast as it happened. He suddenly looked lost, as he realized what had just happened.

« ...Boxes ? »

The Burger Marine was still holding the box. It was hard to tell as he was wearing his helmet, but he was definitely confused by the customer's reaction. His colleagues too stopped whatever they were doing for staring at Carron. A quick glance around him also told the Chaos Lord that the other customers were doing the same.

Carron's shoulders collapsed, as he let an exasperated sigh come out of his throat.

« Just give me the goddamn box... »


	7. Living by the book

The Big Boss had been waiting in the line for a few minutes by the time the Burger Marine went to him.

« Excuse me, sir ? »

The Astartes had to talk a bit louder than usual so that the Ork would hear him ; the diesel engine he was carrying on his back for powering his armor and his gun was always on, which was causing quite a commotion. Still, the Greenskin turned his head for looking at the Astartes.

« - I'm sorry, but I will have to ask you to get out of this line...

- WUT ? Immediately screamed the Ork. YOU DUNNA WANT TO SERVE ME ? I WILL KRUSH YOUR SKULL, OOMIE, AND DEN I'LL PLAY DRUMZ WIZ DA CAN YOU KALL AN ARMUR ! »

The Burger Marine lifted both his hands to the air. He wasn't scared by the Big Boss' menaces (he was a Space Marine, after all) but he had no interests in provoking the Ork's anger. It was not the chapter's duty to pick fights, especially against customers.

« Please, let me finish... I'm asking you to leave this line and to go to another one. »

This time, the Big Boss was lost. As thickheaded as he was, he still could see that the Marine was actually trying to help him.

« - WHY ?

- Because if you stay in this line, sir, you will have to wait all day for getting your command.

- WUT ?

- Just look by yourself... » Said the Marine, while pointing to the start of the line.

The Ork looked at the direction the Astartes was showing him.

He saw a group of four Space Marines, from the Ultramarines chapter, standing right in front of the counter, facing the Burger Marine who was taking the orders, who at that moment was trying really hard not to look bored. One of them was carrying an enormous book, while the rest was gathered around him.

« - So, what does the Codex Astartes say about what we should eat before a battle ?

- Let's see... ''Thou shall eat a food that is charged with slow sugar, that will allow your body to get high supplies of energy for a long time...''

- Wait a second, we're just out of another battle... Does the Codex say anything about eating for regaining strength ?

- Mmmh... According to the Index, that would be in the third paragraph of the twelth section of the sixtieth chapter of the fourth book... Where did I put that tome again ?

- You know, I crave for a salad, do you think that would cover both cases ?

- It depends, vegan salad, or salad with meat ?

- Er, brothers... I need to go to the bathroom... Am I allowed to do this before eating ?

- Well, if I remember correctly, Guilliman said ''never let your basic urges cause an inconvenience in your duties''. Then again, he also said ''washing your hands isn't enough for purging them'', which may indicate the necessity to recite the Litany of Cleanliness after any act that may cause bad hygiene... »

The Big Boss got the message. He moved to another line.

« Frakking Smurfz... »


	8. Insert to serve man joke here

« Is everything alright, captain ? Do you need refreshments ? An appetizer ? »

The magos Cohged was circling around the captain Kayeff See, always suggesting some services, and even though it was pleasing at first, now it was getting tiresome for the Burger Marine. Ever since he brought what appeared to be this Standard Template Construct on this manufactorum, days ago, the tech priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus had done all they could for treating him like a king. Some kind of gift for thanking him for such an amazing discovery.

« - No, thank you, Cohged, I'm feeling fine... Are your colleagues close to decyphering this STC ?

- It's almost done, your highness. A matter of hours, maybe even minutes now. Excuse me to ask you this, but how did you find it ?

- Oh, one of our scouts was ordering our supplies, in the oldest part of the restaurant I command. He found it hidden behind bags of fries dating from the Horus Heresy. »

The magos paused. He had already so many cybernetic alterations that it was hard to see anything human in his face and his voice was also as monocord as the artificial voices of computers, but something about his body language was indicating he was confused.

« - You serve millenia old fries to your customers ?

- We recycle them, and THEN we serve them. Big difference. »

The techpriest stood silent for a few seconds before shrugging. After all, it wasn't his problem.

« Anyway, I can't wait to see what this discovery will bring us ! A new weapon ? A new kind of battleship ? A new medicine ? Maybe... Maybe even a way for fixing the Golden Throne ! Oooooh, I'm so excited I feel like a little girl again, the Omnimessiah forgives me ! »

This time, it was captain See who was confused.

« Wait, you're a woman ? »

The door opened just at this moment, revealing a young techpriest, obviously pretty new in the Adeptus Mechanicus as his mechanical implants were pretty limited.

« - Ah, young Puley ! Is it finished ?

- Yes, fabricator, I've got the transcription here, said the young techpriest in an embarassed tone.

- So, what is it ? What is it !

- We... Hahem... We don't know. »

See and Cohged quickly glanced at each other, as they were beginning to worry about what they found.

« - Read it to us, finally said Cohged, maybe we'll have an idea.

- Alright, fabricator... »

Puley pulled out a sheet of paper and started reading it.

« First, thou need to gather corn, and to reduce it to flour. Pour it into a salad bowl, add salt and warm water... »

Cohged grabbed the sheet of paper from the young man, obviously distressed. The Burger Marine started to read it above her shoulder.

« - What! This is not a STC ! This is...

- THE TACO OF SANGUINIUS ! »

Captain See snatched the sheet of paper from the hands of Cohged and started to read it, visibly ecstatic. The two techpriests were now watching the Astartes with baffled eyes... Well, optical receptors.

« - I beg your pardon ?

- This is the recipe for the Taco of Sanguinius, replied See, in bliss. The legendary meal that the Blood Angels primarch cooked for the Emperor, just as they were about to storm Horus' battlebarge ! The meal that gave them the strength necessary for their task ! It was lost ever since that day, and our order had been searching for it for ten millenia, but now we have finally found it ! This is... By the Emperor, this is the greatest discovery we have ever made ! This is absolutely marvelous ! Let us praise this day, and thank the Emperor for... »

See stopped. He finally realised that the two techpriests didn't seem to be as enchanted as him. In fact, they didn't look pleased. At all.

A little bit of steam was even coming out of Cohged auditory sensors.

* * *

><p><p>

When Captain See's battlebarge finally got out of the system, it had seen much better days. The rain of missiles and lasers it had to escape took its tolls on its magnificent hull. Inside, in the command chamber, the Burger Marine captain was sulking. His armor too had been severely damaged, and it was a miracle he managed to get to his ship in the first place.

« Those guys have skewed priorities... » Groaned the Astartes.


	9. That's gonna leave a mark of chaos

« Do you realize the scope of your mistake, young scout ? »

Quetsch Hup bowed his head in front of the captain See. Like every culprit that had been brought before the restaurant's court, the young scout was kneeling in front of the stage upon which the assembly of the restaurant's elders was sitting, with two other Burger Marines guarding him on his both sides. On the left of the captain were sitting brother Menyou, the librarian, and brother Wopper, the restaurant's dreadnought and oldest of the Marines. On his right, were the apothicarian Daïett and the Chief Cook Tchikken Whing. All of them were staring at the scout with reprobative eyes.

The young scout certainly wasn't feeling great, at the moment.

« - I... I didn't know it was the wrong keg...Said the scout, still looking at the floor.

- This doesn't excuse your blunder, young one ! Said Whing. This keg of mushroom beer was to be served only to Orks ! They're the only creatures in the universe who can take it ! Those Eldar nearly passed out and almost drowned in their own vomit !

- Though you have to admit, this was the least sickening and the most pleasantly smelling vomit I have ever seen in my career... Said Daïett, more for himself than for the assembly.

- We had the greatest difficulties to convince them that it was a mistake, but they've still not definitely decided to not sue our restaurant ! Said Menyou. Do you have any idea of the bad publicity they will do to our restaurant when they'll be back to their Craftworld ?

- Please... Staggered Hup. I beg your forgiveness... If I misbehaved, it was without any ill intent towards them and towards our order ! I always do everything's that's possible for bringing the best service !

- Doing what's possible isn't enough, young Hup, said captain See. You have to do the impossible. Such is the way of the Burger Marine. »

Hup lowered his head even more. All hopes seemed lost.

« However... »

The young scout raised his head and looked at the captain. Could this be... ?

« … Until now, you have always proved to be one of our most promising novice. And it is true that your concern for the well being of our customers is unheard of for someone at your stage of formation. Which is why the court has decided that you would not be banned from the sacred order of the Burger Marines. »

The captain got up of his seat and leaned over the stage, looking at Hup.

« There is one condition, however. You will have to atone for your sin. And I have the perfect task for this. »

A Burger Marine walked towards Hup and gave him a mop and a bucket filled with water. A bit surprised, the scout took the tools nonetheless.

« You will have to clean the great VIP room. And I want it to shine as much as the Golden Throne. You can leave now, young Hup. Do not disappoint us a second time. »

The doors of the trial court opened behind the scout. Hup, definitely confused, gave a last look at the assembly, before going out. The doors shut down as soon as he was out.

Brother Wopper leaned his hulking mass towards the captain.

« Er, excuse me, brother captain, but I wasn't completely awakened when you chose this sentence... What's so terrible about it ? I mean, young Hup has mopped the restaurant's floor countless times since his arrival here... »

Captain See looked at his elder with a smirk on his face.

« Have you forgotten that the annual reunion of Nurgle's Great Unclean Ones is just over ? »

An anguished scream of horror echoed from behind the court's doors.

« THE EMPEROR PROTECTS ! IT WINKED AT ME ! »


	10. In your plate in 10 minutes !

A whistle was the first thing that warned the Guardsmen that something was falling on them. However, most of them barely had enough time for identifying it before running away from its landing site. Some weren't even that lucky.

The droppod crashed right in the middle of their camp, in a tremendous explosion.

Despite their surprise, the Guardsmen quickly took their position. They were all veterans, all knowing what to do in such a situation. They were also always ready to fight, as the war against the chaos troops had been raging on this planet for weeks. It took them less than a minute for surrounding the object.

When the rush for preparation was over, they started to notice that something was odd.

At first, they thought that Chaos Marines were attacking their camp, but the droppod lacked all the little... « modifications » Chaos troops make on former imperial vehicles. Moreover, the Chaos Marines were more inclined to use teleportation through the Warp for attacking the loyalists. And finally, after a few moments, they had to conclude that there was only one droppod. It was pretty short for a full scale attack.

The doors of the pod were opening. All the guardsmen pointed their weapons towards the machine.

But they were soon too flabbergasted for using them.

Only one Marine got out of the pod, and this one wasn't carrying any weapon ; instead, he was holding a strange cardboard box, painted with bright colours, and picturing a pretty jovial looking God-Emperor pulling one of His holy thumbs up. The Astartes was wearing a red and yellow armor, with only a little bit of white on his helmet, where his face should be.

It was in a near perfect silence that the Space Marine spoke.

« Burger Marine Express ! I have a delivery for... » The Astartes looked at a piece of paper that was stuck on the box. « … The sergent Pahnkake ! »

The Guardsmen looked at each other, in utter confusion. Years after years of combat never really prepared them to such a situation. There was one, however, who knew about the Burger Marines. As he finally understood what was going on, he lowered his weapon and replied to the Astartes.

« You've landed on him. »

The Burger Marine turned round. There was indeed a pair of boots sticking from under the droppod. Their owner, however, wouldn't be able to eat anything for a while.

« Crap ! Said the Marine. It's the third time this week ! »


	11. Parallel park is not an option

« What do you mean, we can't park here ? »

The commissar got to the gunner who was sticking his head out from the upper port of the Baneblade. They had been driving all along the restaurant's parking lot, desperately trying to find a parking place. They were really starting to starve in there, and it was more than time for a snack.

« - I mean, there is simply no place in this parking lot, sir ! Answered the gunner. It's rush hour, and we've arrived just after everybody !

- The Emperor damns those Burger Marines ! Cursed the commissar. What is the point of putting a parking lot if a single Baneblade can't park ?

- Well, to be fair, it's not as easy as parking a bike... Said a Guardsman.

- Another word, soldier, and you'll end up with a bolter round where your brain should be. Got it ?

- Sorry, sir.

- SIR ! »

It was the driver who so suddenly screamed. The Commissar tried to get near him, trying not to step on a Guardsman or to trip on whatever cables were running inside the tank's hull.

« - What is it ?

- There's a Stompa that just left its place, sir ! And there is nobody in this part of the parking lot !

- WHAT ! What are you waiting for ? Get there, quick ! »

The driver pressed the engines of the titanic tank. The sudden move nearly sent the commissar on his buttocks. The vibrations inside were becoming unbearable, but it was a small price to pay for the speed increase. There were a few Snotlings and Ripper swarms on the parking ; those who weren't fast enough for dodging the hundreds tons of metal that were rushing in their direction quickly finished as a red spot on the tank's tracks.

« - We'll make it, sir ! Screamed the driver over the tank's roar. Only a few yards !

- Perfect ! It was time, I was starting to... »

A sudden flash of green light nearly blinded them.

In a panic, the driver stepped on the brakes, not wanting to run over another vehicle as he couldn't see what was happening. Every thing that wasn't nailed or bolted on the tank's walls (it was pretty pointless to talk about a hull, given its size) got thrown on the floor. The Guardsmen were seriously shaken on their seats; the commissar, for his part, definitely lost his fight against gravity and hit his head right on the control panel.

Despite the horrible screeching sound made by the Baneblade that was stopping dead on its tracks, a strange sound could still be heard.

VWORP ! VWORP ! VWORP !

After a few seconds, the Commissar finally managed to get back on his feet. He massaged his chin, which was miraculously not broken, and quickly got to the upper port of the tank. The gunner had lost his balance and had fallen from his post by the sudden brake, so he had no problem for climbing the ladder and for seeing what was going on.

He nearly choked himself.

The place they had been trying to reach wasn't empty anymore. A huge Necron Monolith was now hovering right over it.

The Monolith's front portal activated, and dozens of Necron warriors stepped out of it. They were quickly followed by a Necron Lord.

The impossibly old mechanical creature turned its head for looking at the Baneblade and at the Commissar. It then followed its warriors, not before flipping the bird to the astounded commissar.

« Taunt : Haha ! In your face, human ! »

It took several seconds to the commissar to switch from surprise to rage. He grabbed his cap and threw it on the Baneblade's hull in a fit of anger.

« FRAKKING NECRONS ! »


	12. Dealing with competition part 1

The Burger Marines were gathered in front of the restaurant, all of them observing the construction of the building on the other end of the highway. They were all staying rather stoic, as they were watching the Kroots finishing to build whatever it was they were building, but they were less than thrilled by their new neighbors.

« I don't like this one bit. »

Brother Regalbekon pretty much summed up his fellow marines about what was going on. The Kroots had been there for days now, and they still had no idea what exactly they were doing there. They just came there and settled up, without even going up to the Burger Marines and salute them, and immediately started to work. To be fair, even though the Burger Marines had the sacred task of serving anyone that would enter their restaurants, they were still prejudiced against any xenos outside their holy fastfoods.

« - I bet they're...

- … Up to no good. »

The other Marines nodded to the combined reflexions of the twins Carterponder and Wiztchiz. They were all used to their strange habit of completing each other's thoughts now.

The brother-captain Kayeff See finally noticed that almost all of his men were outside. He quickly got out and stood in front of them.

« - Brothers, are you still plotting against the Kroots ?

- Of course we are ! Replied Chief Cook Tchikken Whing. Those filthy xenos are about to settle here, and we all know this will be for doing something heretic !

- I don't know for you, said brother Wopper, but in my time, they wouldn't even have set a foot on our planet ! »

See raised his hands, in an appeasing gesture. A good captain wasn't always guiding his men into a fight ; he also knew when to keep their anger in check.

« Brothers, brothers... Are you forgetting our sacred rites ? I do understand your repulsion towards those xenos, as all Space Marines are made to fight the alien filth... But we are Burger Marines first and before. We may hate them, but they are customers, like every single soul in this universe ! Well, we don't stop at souls actually, considering we also serve daemons from the Warp, but nonetheless, we do not have the right to hunt them down. We must welcome them like we would welcome the Emperor Himself ! »

The Burger Marines were listening to every single word he was saying... Until they saw that, behind him, the Kroots were installing a sign on the building. Their attention then started to... Drift.

« So, I beg you, put your hatred away for the time being, continued See without seeing his men's stupefaction. Go back to the kitchens, and let the holy cooking of Terra once again satiates anyone who would pass those gates ! And if our new Kroot neighbor want to test our food, then let us treat them with the highest regards ! »

Regalbekon decided to cut his superior's speech.

« Even if they're trying to steal our customers ? »

See's smile suddenly froze on his face.

« What ? »

Regalbekon pointed something behind his captain.

See turned his back.

And saw the sign.

It was identifying the building as part of the fast food company Krispy Kroot.

The brother captain's appeasing demeanor immediately vanished.

« MOTHERFU... »


	13. Dealing with competition part 2

« Is Hup back from his mission ? »

Whing shook his head, looking quite down. See sent him spying on the Kroot three hours ago, and the young scout still hadn't returned. That was starting to get pretty worrying.

« - No, brother captain. He still has to resurface.

- I really hope... Said Carterponder.

- … Nothing happened to him, continued Wiztchiz.

- I doubt it, said See. When it comes to become completely invisible, this young novice is above everybody else. The best quality you can find on a person tasked with cleaning a restaurant during the rush hours without bothering the customers. Still I wonder... »

The doors of the restaurant suddenly bursted out. A clearly shaken and disturbed Hup rushed inside the restaurant.

« HERESY ! Yelled the scout. THOSE XENOS ARE SPREADING HERESY ! »

All the Burger Marines came to the young novice, trying to comfort him.

« - Calm down, young one, said See. You won't be able to help us in your state !

- Besides, what took... Said Wiztchiz.

- … You so long ? Finished Carterponder. »

The young scout finally seemed to regain his sanity. He looked at his elders with eyes that were progressively regaining their usual determination.

« - Pardon me, brothers... It's just... I wasn't prepared to what I saw... In fact, I was so shocked that I almost blew up my cover... I had to be even more cautious for getting out, as the Kroot were suspecting my presence.

- You'll have to harden yourself, then, young one, said Wopper, who managed to get closer once some other Marines gave him enough room for walking. A Burger Marine has to face heresy numerous times during his life. »

Hup had fully come back to his senses by this point. He nodded, as a way of honoring the words of wisdom of the dreadnought.

« - What can you tell us about the Kroot ? Asked See. Are they about to open ?

- They have nearly finished, replied Hup. And yes, they're really seeing it big... Their restaurant can actually rival our own in terms of space, and that's nothing compared to the cooking tools they have at their disposal. They've also got anough drones and workers for making the whole place run smoothly.

- This is an outrage ! Screamed Whing. We have been on this planet for more than two millenia now ! How dare do they think they can come here and bring their filthy food here ?

- Something else bothers me, said See. What pushed you into declaring them heretics ? »

The young scout had to concentrate for a few seconds for describing what he saw. He had to avoid to relive the shock he had to endure if he didn't want to end up mad...

« - It's... It's their ingredients...

- What ? What about their ingredients ? What's so horrible ?

- They... »

Hup had to stop. The memories were coming back... And he didn't know if he could endure them...

_Two hours earlier, in the kitchens of the Krispy Kroot..._

« BY THE EMPEROR'S SMALL INTESTINE ! THEY USE REAL MEAT ! »


	14. Dealing with competition part 3

« There must be something we can do against them ! »

Menyu shook his head. The librarian looked at it in every way possible, and he always got to the same conclusion.

« - I'm sorry, brother captain... But if we attack them, that's just going to give us a very bad publicity. As much as I hate admitting it, Krispy Kroot is a pretty respected institution, so a restaurant of theirs suddenly disappearing would raise suspicion on our order.

- What about their employees ? Maybe we can try to... Persuade them to not work ?

- This would only have the same effect, I'm afraid. Besides, they'll use plenty of drones for making their restaurant run. Those things aren't really prone to dissuasion.

- And their...

- Supplies ? Carried here by a heavily guarded fleet. We can't fight them in space, as all our ships have been vanquished when brother Wopper thought of that synchronised aerial ballet for our latest publicity stunt...

- Hey there, said the dreadnought who could hear every single word of the discussion, kids loved it ! Well, until one of the navigators misinterpreted my instructions and caused the fleet to crash on that hive city, anyway...

- Maybe we can make the Administratum react... Hoped See.

- They did. By giving the Kroots an official building permit. We cannot count on Holy Terra on this one. »

See began to sulk. This was extremely critical... And disappointing. He always knew that the Administratum didn't really have the same views than them on their mission, but this was unexpected even for their part.

« - I suppose fighting the Administratum for making them change their mind would not be a good idea...

- Not unless you want us to all be declared Traitore Excommunicatis.

- So what now ? Asked Wopper. We just give up and let those heretic xenos taint the souls of our customers ?

- I'm afraid we're cornered, brother. Once the Inquisition will have done its final inspection, it will be over. »

See suddenly lifted his head and looked straight at the Librarian. What his brother had just said might just be the key.

« - Wait, why does the Inquisition has to inspect them ?

- Standard procedure. Every time a new restaurant opens up, the Inquisition sends some agents of the Ordo Sanitarius for checking it, just to be sure that there won't be too many risks of contamination for the customers.

- Oh yeah, I remember when they came here when we opened up ! Said Wopper. Good thing we spiced up their ''welcome drinks'' with Ork mushroom beer, otherwise we would have been fired by their ships right into the Eye of Terror ! »

The brother-captain didn't really pay attention to the dreadnought's fond memories. As soon as he understood what the Inquisition had to do, he gave a good look at the customers that were currently eating in their restaurant.

He stopped when he saw a group of Plague Marines calmly eating their burgers.

« - Sooooooo... If the Inquisition consider them unclean, they'll shut them down before they'd even be open ?

- Basically, yes. »

A cruel smirk formed on See's lips. The kind of smirk that would make a Greater Daemon of Tzeentch feel uneasy.

« Interesting... »


	15. Dealing with competition part 4  notes

« Ah, Inquisitor. I hope your trip was calm ? »

The Inquisitor gave a quick glance at the Mentor who was welcoming him. Like every member of the Ordo Sanitarius, he had a bad opinion about Xenos, but he was making the best efforts in the universe for not making this cloud his judgement.

« We had to escape a Hive Fleet, only for running into Dark Eldar pirates. We barely managed to avoid destruction because a Ork Rock suddenly appeared and began to fight the Dark Eldar for the right to assault us. So, yes, that was pretty calm, compared to the usual stuff. »

The Kroot nodded. He was genuinely pleased to hear the Inquisitor had a pleasant trip. At least, he'd be in a pretty good mood, which would only mean good news for the inspection.

« I'm really glad to hear this, my Lord. Do you want some refreshments before we start ? We have some wine from the Tau'Tahlee Sept of the Wah'stehd system...

No, thank you. I had pretty clear instructions. From what I could gather, members of my order have had really bad experiences every time they tried to drink something on this planet...

Alright, then. Would you please follow me ? The kitchens are this way. »

During the walk to the kitchens, the Inquisitor quickly but thoroughly examined the restaurant. The main room, filled with hundreds of tables, were pretty clean. The Kroot who were working there seemed to have every piece of equipment expected from a restaurant. The drones were fresh out of the factory, and as a result didn't risk to pollute the insides with oil leaks or unwanted fumes. On a first glance, everything seemed good. But he still hadn't seen the kitchens, which were obviously the most important room. He'll have a definite opinion when he'd get to have a look.

Some doubt started to form in his mind when a drone suddenly flew before them and stopped them just as they were about to enter.

« I'm sorry, misters, but I'll have to ask to not enter in this room for the moment.

What ? Said the Mentor. It's not the moment for making a joke, drone #12756 !

I do not possess the programming required for making jokes, sir, continued the drone on a completely monotone. However, due to recent events, the kitchens are for the moment unavailable. »

This was starting to really smell fishy. The Inquisitor moved forward and pushed the drone away.

« Begone, machine. I must see what you're trying to hide ! »

The Inquisitor quickly entered in the kitchens, followed by an increasingly panicking Mentor.

The Kroot and the drones working in the main hall couldn't see what was happening in the kitchens, however, they all heard the scream of horror of the Inquisitor.

« THE EMPEROR PROTECTS ! IT WINKED AT ME ! »

* * *

><p><p>

_Hey guys, Purplefishman here, for a few author's notes. So far we've reached 15 chapters, and I think I should be able to continue for quite a moment. But let's begin those sidenotes with how it all started, okay ?_

_See, I'm a member of a gaming club, pretty diverse in the activities provided (Games Workshop games, of course, but also board games, role playing games, card games, etc etc). One day, during a discussion with another member, we started to talk about the skirmish game Mordheim, and after a while, said member said he had made a team of Marienburger mercenaries. At the time, I didn't know anything about Warhammer's background, so I misheard « Marine Burger » and went « wait, what ? ». After the explanation, we started to joke about a chapter of Space Marines that would only eat hamburgers, before switching to another subject. Except that the idea, somehow, stuck in my head. I refined it, started to imagine a few stories that would take the point of view of the members of this chapter (that I quickly renamed Burger Marines). After a while, I wondered if I could make a series out of such a character, and voilà ! The series you are currently reading was born._

_Now, I could have tried making a webcomic out of those guys, but the problem is that I flat-out suck at drawing. Xkcd is an extremely detailed and skillfully drawn webcomic compared to what I'd make (note that I like xkcd, don't take this as a jab against the author, this is absolutely not the case). Besides, I wouldn't be able to fit some of their stories in a fixed number of frames or a fixed format, so I prefer this written form considering my lacking skills. I will try to keep each story short, with sometimes an.. Hahem, « arc » spanning a few chapters, like right now, but I don't think I'll do some massive, epic storyline, at least not in the immediate future. I don't have that much free time, and I easily lose all motivation, so short stories are perfect for the combination of my tight schedule, my lazyness and my short attention span._

_You might have noticed that I put two new chapters every week, one on Tuesdays, the other on Fridays (in France's time slot). I'll try to keep that schedule. For the moment, I have enough stories in mind for going this way, but I'm not immune to writer's block, especially as it's my first effort to make a humoristic series with a fixed schedule. I just hope I'll be able to have new ideas as time will go by._

_Finally, please pardon me for every grammatical and lexical errors you might find here and there. English is not my first language ; I'll do the best I can, it's all I can promise you._

_Thank you all for reading, and I hope you'll enjoy this as much as me !_

_Regards,_

_Purplefishman_

_PS : Holy crap, somebody put this in the Warhammer 40000 Fanfic Recommendation page on Tvtropes ! WOOT !_


	16. Dealing with competition part 5 and end

« YOU'VE MADE THOSE PLAGUE MARINES SUMMON GREAT UNCLEAN ONES IN THE KROOTS' KITCHEN ! »

See made a gesture to Wopper that was telling the dreadnought to keep it quiet. He had to tell him, as there was no way he could have faced the man who trained him when he was just a scout again if he didn't, but he didn't really wanted the others to learn it.

« - Shhhh, Wopper ! Keep it down, would you ?

- How could you do this ?

- Well, I just had to promise them a life long supply of Meat Titans if they did that small service.

- No, I mean, as Space Marines, we're supposed to fight heresy, and you flat out told those guys to unleash daemons of the Warp on this planet !

- Just for the duration of the Inquisition's inspection. Even less than that, even : the daemons were back in the Warp when the Inquisitor arrived. Only left were their... Traces. Such was the bargain.

- I cannot endorse this, and you know it, young See ! We'll never be able to justify this !

- Oh, please, Wopper, don't go all preachy on me, would you ? I know what you did 5 centuries ago when this farm planet menaced to rise the price of their tomatoes ! »

The dreadnought backed out a bit.

« - Wha... How... It's... How did you... ?

- I have my sources. And I never revealed it, and you know why ? Because I know that sometimes, we have to take the most drastic measures for protecting our sacred mission ! »

Wopper seemed to have lost some of his anger. Now, he was a bit more reluctant to fight the brother captain on his actions.

« - Yeah... But still... How are we supposed to explain this ?

- We don't have to ! We had what we wanted : that dreaded Krispy Kroot will never open, our customers will never taste culinary heresy, and the Plague Marines don't really want our agreement to be known. It's perfect ! A full victory for us ! »

Wopper was starting to get the point of See. Yeah... Maybe that wasn't that bad, after all... Safeguarding the Holy Duty of the Burger Marines transcended some of the regular duties of the Space Marines, after all.

« - Okay, then. I bet you did what was the best.

- I assure you, brother, no harm will be done to our chapter.

- And now, what will happen ?

- Oh, well, I guess the Kroot will have to dismantle their building. Say, how about we use that opportunity for buying the estate, then ? I have a few ideas for extending our parking lot, and that would really... »

KRAKATHOOM !

The huge explosion shook the ground, nearly making the two marines lose their balance and fall on the floor. It didn't take them long for understanding that it was coming from outside. See and Wopper rushed (well, walked as fast as he could in the case of the dreadnought) to the exit.

Where the Krispy Kroot was standing, there was now just a big crater.

See, despite his astonishment, grabbed one of his Cooking Brother by his shoulder.

« - What happened, brother ?

- Well, I don't know why, but it sure seems like that the Inquisition ordered a localized Exterminatus on them... »

All the Burger Marines started to cheer. All of them, except for the dreadnought and their captain, who were looking at the consequences of the latter's actions with puzzled look.

« Well, that puts an end to your projects, I think... » Said Wopper after a few seconds of awkward silence.


	17. Some have a wicked sense of humor

« I'm a bit disappointed, lord Vect. You had promised me that I would get a seat among your advisors, and despite all the things I've done for you, you still haven't hired me yet. »

The supreme lord of Commoragh listened to voivod Jeklon, whom he had informally invited for a little snack at this Burger Marine restaurant on the way back from another one of their pillaging. The voivod had been turning around him for quite some time now, as he really was eager to get a more prominent place in Darl Eldar politics.

« - Listen, Jeklon, I already told you numerous times : for the moment, many are those that think that despite your pedigree, you still have nothing to do in such a high place. I don't really want to alienate the other voivods just for making you happy.

- But I've done everything one could think a voivod should do ! I've backstabbed every single one of my rivals, I plundered, I raped, I tortured thousands, I let the blood flow, and I even kicked a kitten once ! What more can I do ? »

A Burger Marine briefly interrupted them for giving them their food.

« - Your orders.

- Thank you, replied Vect, already beginning to unpack his food.

- This is getting particularly annoying, continued Jeklon. I gave you centuries of my life, and I'm still not seeing anything move forward for my position.

- Ah, but you mustn't think this means I have no consideration, for you, Jeklon, replied Vect, forgetting for a little time his food. In fact, you may be one of the most promising young voivods around. »

Jeklon took the compliment with a bit of salt. It was Asdrubael Vect we were talking about, after all. Lying was imprinted in his genes, it appeared.

« - I don't really have reasons to believe you, Vect.

- That would be a shame, Jeklon. You know what ? I'm sorry that I cannot give you something better for the moment, as I wasn't expecting this conversation to take place, but as a token of consideration, you can take my kiddimperial box here. »

This surprised and pleased Jeklon at the same time. He actually quite liked those little menus the Burger Marines were making, even if they were aimed at children. It was the little toys they were giving with them that were amusing him the most. The other time, he got a little action figure of a Sister of Battle ; it was really well made and pretty detailed, and the little flamethrower was even perfectly working, which brought him hours of childish delight.

« Really ? Said Jeklon, as he grabbed the box that Vect made slide to his side of the table. That's really nice from you, my Lord ! I mean, I never thought I would one day... »

As Jeklon opened the box, the warp grenade that Vect had hidden in it without being seen detonated.

Immediately, a sphere of pure energy expanded, engulfing Jeklon, his chair, a portion of the table, and even some part of the floor. The sphere soon stabilized for a few seconds, before retracting and disappearing. In its place, was absolutely nothing. The objects that had been only partially covered by the sphere were now cut clean where it was standing. And all of its contents – including Jeklon- had been thrown into the Warp.

The commotion caused by the explosion grabbed the attention of everybody in the restaurant, Burger Marines and customers alike. There wasn't a single person that wasn't shocked by what happened.

Except for Asdrubael Vect, who was laughing to tears.

« Oh gods ! It never gets old ! » Managed to say the supreme lord of Commoragh between two bursts of laughter.


	18. Ethereal Ray'Han isn't better

« So... Five Meat Titans, eight tacos of Sanguinius, four Caseum Burgers, ten Xtra large portions of fries, six Death Raven Wings, a keg of Vulkan Cola, and a Guiliman salad. »

Regalbekon, who was at the register duty at the moment, looked at the Tau Fire Warrior with a little look of surprise.

« - I guess this is for you and a group of friends, isn't it ?

- Not really, no... This is all for my Ethereal, over there. »

The Tau made a gesture to a table on his left. Looking at the direction that was shown to him, Regalbekon saw the fattest Ethereal he had ever seen in all his years of ordering duty. The Tau was already munching on some unidentifiable pieces of meat that were being served to him by several young female Tau in skimpy costumes. The Ethereal was eructing, laughing in a particularly loud and indecent manner, letting his hands wander on his servants, and the least of his moves was making all his fat wobble in a particularly disgusting manner. His bodyguards were staying completely still and silent, behind him.

Regalbekon gave a strange look at the Fire Warrior.

« - That's... That's your leader ?

- Yes, sighed the Tau. I must admit that he... Doesn't really look like the part, but he's still an Ethereal, so he still must be wise enough for command. »

The Burger Marine looked at his customer. Usually, the members of his order weren't allowed to say anything about their customers' habits, but this time, he couldn't really keep it for himself.

« - Wait, you're obeying him without really knowing if he's a good leader ?

- Well, it's not like we have the choice. The Ethereals saved us from mutual annihilation, and since that day, they show us the path to the Greater Good. Alright, some of them may seem... Less qualified than others, but we'd be lost without them.

- You know, there are some rumours about this whole thing... Some even say they're actually mind-controlling you to obey their every whim somehow... »

The Fire Warrior lost his contenance upon hearing this. Regalbekon realized he should have shut up at this point.

« - What ! That's outrageous ! We're free of mind ! If we obey the Ethereals, it's because they have a much better hindsight about what will allow the Greater Good to be accepted in this galaxy, we're not forced in any manner ! This is preposterous ! This is...

- Hey, you, Bob, or something... »

The call from his Ethereal made the Fire Warrior temporarily forget about what the Burger Marine, so that he'd pay better attention to his leader's orders.

« - My name is Shas'La Sa'Cea In'Kre Dji'Bli Com'Pli'Ka'Tad Neh'mu, Ethereal Fohn'Ten...

- Yeah, whatever ! After having brought me my food, you'll massage my feet...

- What ! My Lord, you can't ask me this ! I'm from the Fire Caste, I'm not supposed to...

- … Would you kindly. »

The Fire Warrior immediately forgot about his indignation and straightened up. His hooves clacked as he machinally saluted the Ethereal.

« SIR YES SIR ! »

Regalbekon looked at the Ethereal, then at the Fire Warrior, and finally he looked back at the Ethereal.

« Mister ? Said the Burger Marine to the Ethereal. Ever thought of making ads ? »


	19. Warning : may contain nerd rage

The Necron Lord walked towards the counter, his Pariah guards surrounding him. The Burger Marine on order duty quietly awaited for his arrival.

« - Greetings : Good evening, human.

- Good evening, sir. What will it be ?

- Query : I'd like a... »

A bright, flashing light suddenly englobed everybody. It was so intense that all the people in the restaurant had to protect their eyes until it was finished. Finally, after a few seconds, they could see again, but that didn't do anything against their surprise.

« - What the Warp was that ! Shouted the Necron.

- I don't know, sir, answered the Marine, just as confused. Are you alright ?

- Well, I think so... I can't feel my repair systems activating, so I think there's nothing wrong...

- Er, sir ?

- What ?

- Is it just me, or are you... Less monotonous than before ?

- What the... You're right ! That's amazing ! What about you guys, do you... »

The Necron Lord stopped. He wanted to ask his guards if they changed too, but they were all gone. They had disappeared without leaving a trace.

« - Hey, where are they all ? Why am I alone ? Is this some kind of...

- What does it mean, little one ? Were you going to pass before your superior ? »

An Overlord walked towards the counter, surrounded by his Lych Guards. The Marine frowned. It was the first time he was seeing a Necron displaying such outer signs of authority. His armor was completed with some kind of crown attachment, while all sorts of dingly trinkets were showing that he was high class, supposedly from a higher class than the Lord himself.

« My Overlord ! Said the Necron Lord. I didn't know you were here ! »

The Lord paused. The Burger Marine didn't think it was possible, what with their metallic faces, but the Necron was now harboring a puzzled look.

« - Now that I think about it... You never were anywhere to begin with...

- Nonsense ! Said the Overlord. I've always existed ! Only... You know... In the shadows, or something... Anyway, let me take my orders, would you ? I have a diplomatic mission to accomplish ! »

The Marine and the Lord looked at each other. The following line was said by the two of them at once.

« - A DIPLOMATIC mission ?

- Of course ! We need help from the humans for getting one of my world rid of Ork scum ! There's no way we can do this alone !

- But... Can't we just... Teleport right in their camp and slaughter them all, like we used to do ?

- Hahaha ! This is why you're not in command ! Thinking we are strong enough for conquering the galaxy by ourselves ! How silly ! But enough talk ! We must hurry ! Because as soon as we'd have finished with the Orks, we'll have to attack the Nekthyst dynasty ! »

The Necron Lord thought his central computer just melted.

« - Wait... We... Will fight... Other Necrons ? That's... What ?

- Hey, the Nekthyst dynasty has been stepping on me since the Age of Flesh ! It's high time I make them pay !

- I didn't even know there was a Nekthyst dynasty ! I thought we were one unified empire !

- Where the Warp do you come from ? We've always been a bunch of divided kingdoms which sometimes unite under a common monarch, but frankly, I have other agendas, and so do my rivals ! Necrons all working together ? Yeah, right ! »

The Necron Lord started to massage his forehead in a vain attempt to deal with all those changes. Of course, considering he was trying to massage metal, that wasn't doing much good.

« Seriously, what is going on ? By the C'Tan, I have never... »

The Overlord suddenly used his Light Staff for clubbing the Lord, who crashed on the counter. The Marine had to back off from the unexpected brawl.

« - HOW DARE DO YOU PRAISE THE C'TAN ! They have deceived us ! They have made us what we are now ! Oh, woe is us, trapped in those mettalic bodies at the price of our souls ! Shattering them was the best thing we've done !

- We have done WHAT ! Said the Lord.

- Enough ! One more word about this matter, and I'll have you executed for treason ! How can anyone... »

The Overlord abruptly stopped. In his anger, he started to shout to the entire audience, and only then did he notice the Termagaunts that were getting served on the line right next to them. His mechanical eyes somehow managed to widen.

« TYRANIDS ! Screamed the Overlord, visibly scared. THERE ARE TYRANIDS ! RUN ! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES ! »

The Overlord took his own advice into action. He quickly rushed to the exit of the restaurant, flailing his arms in panic. The Lych Guards were trying to keep up with their master, but fear seemed to give him wings.

« WE ARE ALL DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED ! »

It took a few seconds for the Necron Lord and the Burger Marine to regain their senses. The situation was so silly that their brains had shut down, before it would reboot. Yes, even in the case of the Burger Marine.

Finally, it was the Astartes that summed up their feelings.

« What the Warp is going on ! »

* * *

><p><p>

Sitting on his throne, deep inside his mystical maze, Tzeentch was cackling and rubbing his hands.

« Just as planned ! »

_Yeah, sorry to turn my fanfic into a nerdy rant, but as you may have noticed, I loathe the new fluff given to the Necrons._

_This is a touchy subject because Necrons were my first army, and, even after studied the background of WH40K, they were still one of my favourite races. I know many people didn't like them, calling them boring, without personnality, and claiming their story and the C'Tan were shoehorned in the existing canon, but they were fulfilling a role I liked. See, one of my problems with Games Workshop is that when they create an evil race for their games, they go too far really fast, to the point they lose any potential of scaryness. Sure, I don't want to meet Chaos worshippers or Dark Eldar in real life, but as fiction villains, they're so over the top, you're wondering if there's some kind of contest for being the MOST EVUL GUYZ EVAH._

_The Necrons, on the other hand ? Oh boy. They were an unified ancient evil, clad in mystery, amazingly advanced. You couldn't reason with them, you couldn't predict when they'd come, and when they do... You are dead. They would slaughter every single living thing on a planet, without any hesitation. And while the Chaos does the same thing in a storm of cacophony and rage, the Necrons did it silently. Mechanically. Professionnally. They were serving their dark gods, but there were no passion, no emotions. They kill. You'd never be sure, if you succeed to drive them back, that they wouldn't come back with more soldiers, more tools of destruction. And the last thing you'd probably see is this sick green glow in their cold, soulless eyes._

_Because they were restrained in their actions and behavior, they were genuinely terrifying. Go read Sandy Mitchell's « Caves of Ice » for an example of Necrons written good._

_And then, Matt « Fluff raper » Ward came._

_Let's do a recap :_

_Now, they're divided to the point of having civil wars occuring here and there. The political intrigues are as detrimental to the Necron cause as their enemies, and they're obsessed with etiquette and proper hierarchy between nobles and the rest of their people._

_They only want to restore their empire (so what, when they'd have achieve this, they'll stop ?)_

_They seem much less powerful than before what with losing thousands of tomb worlds during their great sleep and having some of their technology being damaged by the passing of time._

_Their great, supreme monarch went full blown emo about them losing their souls, and others are feeling the same way..._

_The C'Tan ? Well, they shattered them in revenge ! Because screaming « oh crap they brought one tiny contained fragment of their gods on the battlefield ! » is SO MUCH MORE EPIC than « oh crap, they actually brought one of their gods on the battlefield ! ». Besides, who needs another powerful actor who could wreak havoc in the already crappy universe that is WH40K (Yeah, I know, there's still room for that, what with the Necrons not having all the shards of the C'Tan, but it's not as grand as having full blown gods roaming the universe...)._

_The Pariahs ? What Pariahs ? What good could come of the idea of making the Necrons engineer creatures that would completely nullify Warp influence, modifying the status quo and offering an alternative against Chaos and the Warp ?_

_Tyranids scare the crap of the Silent King, because he thinks they're a threat to the galaxy. Because of course the Necrons, previously bent on destroying everything that moves anyway, should give a damn about the state of the universe, right ?_

_Also completely unacceptable is the fact that some of the nobles are said to respect a code of valor. They don't send assassins or use « unhonourable » methods, preferring to fight fair. Looks like they consider Roboute Guilliman as their spiritual liege... But the worst ? Some even send envoys. ENVOYS. THOSE GUYS SEND HERALDS TO THE OTHER RACES TO POLITELY ASK THEM TO GET OUT OF THEIR PLANETS BEFORE ATTACKING. I nearly got an attack reading this. At what point when reading their previous codex could it make anyone think « oh yeah, those guys sure look like they're the kind to send emissaries ! » ! SINCE WHEN THE NECRONS ACT LIKE THE TAU ?_

_There are some good things, in the mess. It is true that the Necrons were a bit too monolithic and now we have a valuable reason for using different color schemes for discerning them. Now, they have real « heroes » that aren't C'Tan but full blown Necrons, with a special mention to Trazyn the Infinite who seems to be a pretty good character that (what a shock !) could have blent well in the previous fluff. But in the whole, the Necrons I loved are gone._

_Once, they were an ancient and unstoppable force of evil, truly alien in their actions. Now, they're grumpy old men reminiscing of the good ol' days while shouting to the younger races « get off my lawn you damn kids ! »._

_Once again, sorry to inflict this on you. If you like this new fluff, good for you. Just consider this chapter to have never been written. I'll try to use the new fluff for any future stories that would involve the Necrons_

_But dear Lord, does that make my nerdy heart sad._


	20. Covering up the old shame

« Aw, man ! Now that's what I call a good burger ! »

The three other Guardsmen agreed. This stop at the local Burger Marines' joint had been welcomed by all the men of the company, but those four particular ones really enjoyed the food that was served in those restaurants.

« - Yeah... I've been in numerous worlds, but out of all the things I could have eaten, I've always preferred what those guys make.

- Makes you wonder what they put in those buns, doesn't it ? Said another one. I tried to make some of my own, but it's never quite as good.

- Mmmh... Not bad, yes... »

The other Guardsmen looked at their comrade. There was something in his attitude that was bugging them.

« - What's the problem, Phil ? You don't like it ?

- Oh, no no no, it's great ! It's just... Well, I wouldn't call it the best food ever. Once, I have tasted a meal so tasteful, I think I almost fainted. So... Well, everything's a little bit of a letdown now, ya know ?

- Ah, right. See what you mean, pal. And what was it ?

- I don't know, actually. I was serving with those guys just for one campaign, and we got to eat the same thing as them. Boy, that was beating our supplies by far !

- Those guys ? Who are you talking about ?

- You don't know ? I'm talking about the Squa... »

CRACK ! Vworp.

The first sound was produced by Phil's neck, as the assassin who suddenly appeared in his back snapped it. The second sound was all that could be heard as the assassin teleported away, taking his victim with him.

Needless to say, the three other Guardsmen were starting to panick. They looked everywhere, trying to see if they were under attack, but there were no traces of any kind of assaillants in the restaurant. In fact, the other customers and the Burger Marines didn't seem to have noticed anything, and they were going on with their routines.

« - Frak ! What the warp was that ! Finally asked one of the surviving Guardsmen.

- I don't know ! That guy appeared out of nowhere just as Phil was about to talk about the Squa... »

CRACK ! Vworp.

He two last Guardsmen looked at each other, confused. The situation was clearly going out of hand.

« Okay ! Okay ! I think I get it ! Said the oldest of the two. We have to be extremely cautious ! I don't know how they do that, but we'll be okay as long as we stop mentionning the Squa... »

CRACK ! Vworp.

The last Guardsman looked everywhere, still not sure about what happened, but all his friends were gone now, leaving only what they were eating on the table. He was still shocked and afraid, but he was getting prorgressively calmer. Now that he was alone, there was less chances he would talk about... Those who must not be named. He sighed of relief.

« Not a problem ! In fact, I always preferred the food made by the Zoa... »

CRACK ! Vworp.


	21. Geez, chill out, man

It was just a regular day at the restaurant. People were simply lining up for taking their orders. Those who had already been served were calmly eating while discussing about various things. Nothing particularly interesting was to be noted.

Until the portal to Khorne's realm opened right in front of the counter.

And, as he was stepping out of the portal, Angron screamed. His gigantic body was casting a shadow that was covering everybody behind him ; his face was nothing else than a screaming skull with fangs the size of sabers. Hundreds of skulls, ones he had personnally ripped off from his numerous defeated enemies, were attached to his body and his armor. He was wielding a burning axe, bigger than a Baneblade and covered with heretic and insane runes that were apparently distorting on the metal, as if they themselves were in tremendous pain.

But honestly, trying to describe the sheer insanity of the Fallen Primarch's appearance would never do it justice. Angron was rage and bloodshed incarnate, and looking at him would only cause in the most pacifistic creature visions of blood drenched battlefields and raging fires devouring everything one could imagine.

And then, Angron talked with a roaring voice.

« - DESPAIR, SERVANTS OF THE CORPSE GOD ! YOUR SKULLS WILL SOON ADORN THE THRONE OF THE MIGHTY KHORNE, AND YOUR BLOOD WILL SATIATE HIS THIRST ! I WILL BRING FIRE TO THIS GALAXY, AND WHOEVER WOULD BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO FACE ME WILL SOON MEET THEIR UNTIMELY DEMISE AND JOIN THE IMMEASURABLE HORDES OF MY VICTIMS ! I AM THE HARBINGER OF DEATH ! I AM THE SCOURGE OF THE IMPERIUM ! I AM ANGRON AND I WILL...

- Excuse me, sir ? »

Surprised, Angron looked down. The Burger Marine on the other side of the counter was looking at him, in a way that made him feel confusion for the first time since... Well, since his birth actually. He had faced (and destroyed) countless Space Marines, and true to their reputation, none of them showed fear when facing the Fallen Primarch, even as he was ripping their skulls with his bare hands. But even though they weren't afraid, they were still knowing they were facing a formidable foe, and acted accordingly.

This Space Marine ? He didn't seem to be that much distraught by Angron. In fact, it was as if he wasn't even consider him a threat.

He was simply pointing at a sign on a wall that was saying « no teleportation in the restaurant, please », and when he talked, Angron could distinguish some shade of exasperation in his voice.

« That's all fine and dandy, sir, but I'll have to ask you to wait at the end of the line like everybody else, please. »

Confused (yes, he DEFINITELY was experimenting confusion here), Angron turned to look behind him. All the customers who were waiting for passing their orders were looking at him with angry eyes. He could even hear some declaring that he really had no manners, and that he should stop slowing down everybody.

« Now, excuse me, but I was trying to take this person's order, sir, continued the Burger Marine. You were saying ? »

A Gretchin calmly walked past Angron and stopped at the corner. The Daemonic Primarch could only look at the Grot with bewildered eyes, as the feeble creature too didn't seem to see anything wrong with being near a gigantic Daemon Prince of Khorne, and was even ignoring him.

« - Yes, I'd like a menu with a Meat Titan and...

- Er, excuse me, staggered Angron. I... I think you're not really understanding the situation here. I am Angron, and... »

The Burger Marine looked at him in a way that made Angron shut up.

« Sir, please, those persons were here before you. »

Angron's mouth twitched, but he just couldn't find anything to say. He just couldn't think straight. During all the millenia of his life, both before his ascension and after, he never had to face such a situation, and strangely, even his anger seemed to fade because of the sheer absurdity he was witnessing.

« - Okay, pathetically said Angron, still under shock. Okay, then I... I guess I'll.. Go at the end of the queue... And... Wait for my turn, then...

- That would be great, sir. » Answered the Burger Marine, who immediately afterwards went back to the Gretchin and stopped paying attention to Angron.

The Daemon Primarch calmly walked to the end of the line, forcing a few people to move out of the way for letting him pass, and then simply stopped and started to wait.

The confusion in his mind wasn't over, though. He was just too dumbfounded for acting in his own usual way. After a few minutes, however, he finally said a few words.

« - That's... Kind of embarrassing.

- No kidding. » Replied the Nightbringer, who was waiting in another line right next to him.


	22. That's it, no desert for you

The Burger Marine was simply doing his service at the counter when the Commissar rushed at him, visibly furious. He could recall having served him a few minutes before, but at this moment, he had been acting normally.

« This is an outrage ! This is unforgivable ! I will sue you, you frauds ! »

Like all his peers the Marine had learned to take care of angry customers in pacifist ways (using his bolter was only allowed in extremely dire situations). He calmly answered to the Commissar's wrath.

« - Please calm down, sir, and tell me what is the problem.

- Your food is unedible, that's the problem ! Shouted the Commissar. I always had doubts on what you put in your burgers, but sand ! This is unthinkable !

- Sand ? Sir, I think you're mistaking... We never put...

- Oh, right, tell me I'm a liar while you're at it ! I got my food, posed it on the table, went get a few napkins, and when I tasted my burger, I had sand all over my tongue and my teeth ! I just spent a quarter of hour trying to wash it all in the bathrooms !

- Sir, I'm not saying you're a liar, but there's no way sand could have gotten in your food ! There is not a single speck of sand in our restaurant !

- Oh, really ? Then tell me what this is ! »

The Commissar almost shoved his burger in the Marine's face. Once the surprise wore off, the Astartes could see that, indeed, the food was full of sand. He could even see it drip from it and form a little heap just under it. He took it and examined it further, and there were really no way he could deny what the Commissar was showing him.

« I... I'm really sorry, sir... I have absolutely no idea how this could have happened... I will ask our cooks how this... »

Suddenly, the Marine stopped. He remembered something the customer told him.

« - Wait... You posed your food, and then you walked off for getting napkins ?

- Damn right I did ! »

The Marine gave a quick glance to the other customers in the restaurant. He suddenly had a hunch.

« Sir... Where are you sitting, exactly ? »

The Commissar made an angry gesture on his right.

« I'm right there ! Right next to this... »

He suddenly paused. When he realized who was sitting next to him, his anger suddenly vanished, replaced by a mix of confusion and humiliation.

« … Squad of Thousand Sons... »

The Chaos Marines, now that they had been unveiled, bursted out laughing, unable to keep a straight face anymore, which was becoming harder and harder as they were witnessing their victims wrongly blame the restaurant. One of them even added some more salt on the wound by plucking out one of his glove and making a little salute to the Commissar, making dust fly out of his armour and spill everywhere.

After a few seconds, embarrassed, the Commissar resorted to anger again, but this time directed to the Thousand Sons.

« You owe me a burger, you bastards ! »


	23. I hope you weren't planning on sleeping

« My Lord, what are we doing here ? »

Inquisitor Quiljoy the First didn't bother to look at his assistant. Instead, he was scrutinizing the whole landscape. This planet was truly desolated. Rocky deserts all over the surface, battered with raging winds that sometimes turn into violent storms. Gigantic scientific researchs, all abandonned and left to derelict. Ruins of cathedrals, of churches, and, which wasn't really surprising considering who inhabited this place, of food processing facilities and restaurants. And, more importantly, not a single living soul. The Emperor truly abandonned this place long ago.

« - I already told you, my boy. There are rumours that the Burger Marines conducted researches here. They wanted to create the perfect mascot for their restaurants. So they gathered their best scientists here and started to manufacture one.

- And ?

- The details are sketchy, but apparently... Something went wrong. Really wrong. And we are here to find out what. Those Marines have ridiculed the Imperium long enough ; if we can find proofs of heresy here, we'll finally be able to force Holy Terra to declare them Traitore Excommunicatis. »

The young assistant wasn't sure about all this. After all, he himself ate a few times in the Marines' restaurant and enjoyed it. But he had to obey the orders... What was bothering him the most, however, was how the whole planet had been abandonned. Even if they're unusual, the Burger Marines were still Space Marines. And yet, if Inquisitor Quiljoy the First wasn't lying, they all fled this place and decided to never, ever set foot on it again. This whole situation was... Eerie.

« - Do you have any idea of what we're actually looking for, my Lord ?

- Unfortunately, no. This whole place is screaming heresy, so it'll be difficult to really pinpoint the start of this madness. But whatever it is they have released, we must discover what it was !

- I guess that would be me... »

The Inquisitor and his assistant both froze in place. For the first time since they set foot on this planet, they heard someone else than them speak. Terror was beginning to take its grip on their sanity, but then, slowly, they both turned to see who just talked.

And they gasped in horror.

The... Thing was looking humanoid, but it was... Wrong, somehow, as if it couldn't truly pass as human despite looking like one. It was wearing a flamboyant outfit, something reminiscent of the monarchs from forgotten times, before mankind started to spread across the universe, and it was even wearing a crown. But its face was the most frightening feature. It looked human, but it seemed like it was made of plastic instead of flesh, and above its beard, a frozen, gaping smile was mocking them.

« Hi. » Simply said the King.

Both Quiljoy the First and the assistant screamed in horror and immediately rushed to their Valkyrie, still waiting for them. Fortunately, the thing wasn't barring their way to their escape. As he was running frantically to the ship, Quiljoy grabbed his communicator and called his space ship, orbitting the planet.

« - EXTERMINATUS !

- Pardon me, my Lord, answered Quiljoy's second in command over the communicator, could you repeat ?

- I SAID EXTERMINATUS ! TORCH THAT FRAKKING PLANET ! NOW ! »

* * *

><p><p>

An hour later, Quiljoy the First was observing the death of this planet from his spaceship. Fear had declined by this moment, only leaving place to anger.

His assistant stood behind him.

« - My Lord... What... What was that thing !

- Heresy, young one ! This is what it was ! The Burger Marines created an abomination, and thought that it would be forgotten ! The Emperor protects, they may even have created something worse than the Ruinous Powers ! We must warn Terra ! We must... »

Quiljoy stopped. As he was ranting he turned to face his assistant.

There were no traces of the young man.

In his place, the King was facing. Smiling. Cackling.

The creature's eyes suddenly burned red.

« WHERE'S YOUR CORPSE GOD NOW ! » Shouted the King.

Quiljoy screamed. But nobody heard him.

For there were not a single living soul in the ship anymore.


	24. The true jawbreaker

The Howling Banshee had been waiting for a while now. And now, it was really getting to be annoying. Ever since she got inside the restaurant, she could hear those loud poundings, coming from the back of the building.

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

With an astounding regularity, the noise was keeping on repeating itself. She couldn't exactly point out what it was, and that was driving her mad.

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

She tried to forget about it by concentrating on her order. She just wanted a plain, regular Caseum Burger, maybe with some soda, or...

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

Okay, that was no use. As long as she wouldn't tell what was causing all that commotion, she wouldn't be able to properly think ! What the Warp was...

« Excuse me, madam ? Would you like anything ? »

The Eldar looked at the Burger Marine. She was so disoriented by that annoying noise she almost didn't notice that it was finally her turn.

« Er, sorry... I think I'll take a Caseum Burger... »

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

« ...A Caseum Burger and... »

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

« - Okay, I can't take this anymore ! Shouted the Eldar as she lost her calm. What is that noise !

- What noise ? »

THOOM ! THOOM ! THOOM !

« - That noise !

- Oh, this ? Sorry for the trouble, madam. It's just that we've received the meat for our burgers this morning. »

The Eldar gave a strange glare to the Astartes.

« - So what ?

- We're just tenderizing it, madam. »

Before she could say anything more, the twins Carterponder and Wiztchiz emerged from the kitchens. The Burger Marine that was serving the Banshee was looking surprised.

« - It's already over ? Took shorter than usual !

- It's not that, said Carterponder, it's just that...

- … We've broken our thunderhammers on this thing ! » Finished Wiztchiz.

Just as the twins were explaining the situation, they were showing their weapons. And, indeed, their hammers were fractured, broken beyond repair. The two Marines quickly went their way, as they were looking for new hammers.

« Oh well, simply said the Astartes at the counter as he went back to the Eldar. What will it be, madam ? »

The Banshee looked at the Marine with a blank expression. It didn't really took her long enough to take a decision after what she saw and heard.

« … A salad. I'll take a salad. »


	25. We'll be back after those messages

The Bloodthirster roared as he rushed towards Kais. Far from being frightened by the creature that was attacking him, the Fire Warrior calmly aimed his railgun at the Khorne daemon. Three perfect shots hit the beast at the chest, which screamed in pain without slowing down a single bit. As it got close enough, the daemon tried to strike Kais with its gigantic battle axe, but the Fire Warrior managed to dodge the strike and retaliated by another shot at the Daemon knee, which pulverized the creature's bones and forced to fall on the ground. Kais quickly saw the opportunity and jumped on the creature's back. Infuriated, the Bloodthirster tried to grab its opponent, but the Tau had no trouble dodging the daemon's attacks, especially as the Bloodthirster's own wings were shielding him against the monstrous hands that were trying to get a hold of him. He quickly managed to grab the necklace the Bloodthirster was wearing and used it to keep his balance on the beast.

With his other free arm, he started to shoot at the back of the creature's skull.

At such a close range, and against the Tau's most powerful field weapon, the Bloodthirster couldn't stand a chance. His head quickly exploded into thousands of shards, a result which still needed a few shots for occuring.

The lifeless body of the Bloodthirster collapsed. Before it hit the ground, it already got sent back to the Warp in a burst of sick red mist.

Kais stood up, took his helmet off, and started to get his breath back.

Then, he looked at the camera and smiled.

« Hi. My name is Kais. You might remember me from the video game Warhammer 40,000 : Fire Warrior, and the novel that was written out of it. Many people think that my adventures are improbable, that a Fire Warrior in training would never be able to rack up such a body count, especially against Chaos Marines and Greater Daemons. And they are right. But I have a secret. Before getting into the mission that got related in those works, I stopped and had a meal at Burger Marines'. Because when you need energy for fighting the enemies of your world, may you be tau or human, there's no better place to find all the proteins you need for keeping on fighting ! »

Several enraged screams could be heard in the distance, certainly from a large group of Daemonettes. Kais gave a quick glance, still smiling, before getting back to the camera.

« Sorry, but duty calls. »

Kais put his helmet back, and pulled his thumb up.

« See you later at your local Burger Marines', Gue'Vesa ! »

As Kais ran offscreen, the Burger Marines sigil appeared on the screen.

_Palapa pa paaa !_

_The Emperor's lovin' it !_

« - So what do you think of our new campaign, brother-captain ?

- Well... It's not bad... But why did they hire this guy ? I mean, he's pretty controversial...

- There weren't many people available. It was either him or Indrick Boreale.

- … Kais is fine. »


	26. This fanfic is now 20 percent sillier

« Yeah, I'll take a... Hahem... A Kiddimperial box, please... »

The Burger Marine frowned. The Space Wolf captain spoke so low he didn't hear his order.

« - Excuse me, sir ?

- I'll... Have a Kiddimperial box, repeated the Space Wolf, visibly ashamed of himself.

- Of course, sir. », replied the Burger Marine, not at all phased by the customer's demand.

It's when he went to pick the Kiddimperial box reserved to little boys that he got surprised.

« No, not this one... »

The Burger Marine looked at the captain. The customer was now getting redder by the second.

« - Pardon me ?

- I don't... Want this one... I want the other kind. »

The Burger Marine, more and more confused, took a look at what they were serving, before getting back to the Space Wolf.

« - With the surprise for little girls ?

- Yes... Sheepishly said the Space Wolf.

- The one with the My Little Pony toy ?

- Yes. »

The Burger Marine stood silent for a second before finally shrugging.

« If that's what you want. »

The Space Wolf captain almost litteraly ripped his order out of the hands of the Burger Marine, threw his payment on the counter and ran away to a table while saying a quick « keep the change ». The Burger Marine quickly decided to forget the whole incident and served the next customer.

The Space Wolf captain sat in one of the darkest corners of the restaurant. Nervous, he looked on his right and his left, and, seeing that nobody was paying attention to him, opened the cardboard box. He completely ignored the food inside, and grabbed the plastic wrap containing the little toy, with the name of the show slapped on it. He quickly opened it up... And barely managed to stop squeeing.

It was Pinkie Pie ! Exactly the one he wanted ! He was feeling so glad, he could...

« Iz dat a puhny ? »

The Space Wolf hid the toy and the Kiddimperial box under the table as fast as he could. Turning his head, he could see a gigantic Ork Boss standing next to him, staring at him with an inquisitive look.

« What ! Screamed the Space Marine, trying to sound as offended as possible. What are you implying, foul xeno ! I am a Space Marine ! I have no such time for such idiocies ! I am a warrior of the Imperium, a servant to the God-Emperor, and there is no place in my heart for a silly children show ! How dare do you say I would be so childish ! I should... »

Just at this moment, the Boss smiled and showed him something that made him shut up and made his eyes pop out of his skull.

In the big green palm of the Ork, were other toys of the same line. He could recognize Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and... Yes, the Ork had a Pinkie Pie, too.

With his other hand, the Ork slapped him on the back, while laughing loudly.

« WELKUM TO DA HERD ! »


	27. Overused meme ho !

At first, I had no idea why Eldrad brought us to this restaurant. There had been numerous other places where we could have eaten, but he insisted that we'd eat there. That wasn't stopping me from feeling uneasy, however ; considering my long history with him, I knew that it wasn't just an obsession. He had something in mind.

Anyway, we got to the restaurant, and quickly got our orders. That's when we took our seats that I finally noticed that the Burger Marines were welcoming a special guest that day : on a table across the room, Marneus Calgar himself was having a meal with his praetorian guard. That just worried me more, as I saw Eldrad give a quick glance at the Ultramarines chapter master before smirking.

I started to eat my meal, but Eldrad began to act strange. He was staring at me, with an intense look that was almost putting an end to my appetite. And at one moment, just as I was about to swallow a potato, he suddenly ordered me to stop. Surprised, I obeyed, and he just took the potato out of my hand. He then plunged it in his sauce, carefully, examined closely what he had done, and then stood up. I saw him walk in the middle of the aisle, examining the tiles on the floor, and then posing the potato on one of them, and even nudging it a bit, before nodding, satisfied by what he did. He then his place back at the table, and stared at the potato, not even touching his burger.

That was spelling bad news, and I knew it way too well. However, it wasn't my role to contest Eldrad's actions. So, while eating, I waited to see what he was up to again. I only hoped it wouldn't prevent me from finishing my burger.

And then, the scout came in.

I barely looked at him, not considering him to be a source of interest, but I still managed to see that he was carrying dozens of the boards the customers were using for taking their meals. Those boards were preventing him from clearly seeing where he was stepping.

Everything really started when the scout stepped on the potato.

The scout's foot ripped on the potato, making him lose his balance and fall over, right as a servoskull was hovering in front of him. As the scout dropped his boards, some of them struck the servoskull, which started to flutter away like a wounded fly. It finally hit the back of an Ork Nob. The shock surprised the brute, who accidentally shot a round with the shootah that was glued on his arm.

The bullet hit a chandelier on the ceiling... That was just above Calgar's table.

When the chandelier crashed on the table, it completely squashed Calgar's meal, who barely managed to jump backwards for avoiding the massive steel construct (the Mon'Keigh call it « chandelier », we call it « hook for fishing ten whales at once »). It didn't prevent him from being covered by his meal's ketchup and sauce, which splattered on his chest. The Space Marine started to protest about the event, drawing the attention of every other customers...

Who, after having looked at him with widened eyes, all started to laugh.

And my, was I in the right place for seeing what was so funny. It took Calgar a few seconds for realizing he was the object of the customers' laughter. So, he ran to the restaurant's toilet for looking at himself in the mirror.

Everybody could hear his scream of rage when he realized that all the ketchup and sauce that splattered on him were spelling the words « daddy's little princess » on his torso.

Eldrad just chuckled and grinned, before saying that we were done, and that we could go.

What a dick.


	28. And I'm Spartacus !

« Welcome all to the Burger Marines' annual lottery ! »

All the customers were looking at brother-captain See with impatience. This was really one of the most anticipated events in the restaurant, as much as the Imperium Founding Feast Week, so the restaurant was absolutely loaded with customers who were trying their luck. There were very few Eldar, however, but considering those would play if their Farseer would ensure them that they would win...

« Let me remind you how we will proceed for all the people who are joining us for the first time, said the brother-captain. In this urn, are the coupons of every contestant to the game. For each gift, a name will be randomly taken out of the urn by our youngest staff member, scout Hup ! Any questions ? Then, let us begin ! The first gift will be a coupon for a complete menu at any of our restaurants... »

And so the game began. Just as announced, Hup picked up a random leaflet in the urn before giving it to See, who would then read the name of the winner. The rest of the Burger Marines were either distributing the gifts to the winners, or simply standing behind, watching the whole assembly.

Menyou the Librarian and Brother Wopper the dreadnought were among the second kind. They were standing silently in the back, just as the usual. But while Menyou was relaxed and smiling at the customers (he quite liked this moment, to be honest), Wopper was a bit worried, which, given his condition, couldn't really be perceived by his neighbours. He had noticed something weird about the customers : they were quite diverse, as almost every race living in the galaxy was largely represented, but in the forces of Chaos, a whole company of the Alpha Legion showed up. That was quite unusual ; he never saw so many of them at once, and considering their reputation, that couldn't be good news.

« - I have a bad feeling about this... Said Wopper.

- What ? Said Menyou, who heard his elder. Is something wrong.

- I can't really tell... But something's telling me we're not gonna like how this day will end... »

Menyou frowned, unable to see what was bothering his battle brother, but he quickly forgot about it when he realized it was now the moment of the last gift.

« And now, our grand prize ! Announced See. This year's final winner will receive an operational Battle Barge, complete with its crew and servants ! »

Hup picked up a paper in the urn and gave it to the captain.

« And the winner is... »

See looked at the paper.

« - Alpharius !

- Oh God-Emperor no... » The dreadnought tried to facepalm, but the short length of his mechanical arms prevented him from doing so.

One of the Alpha Legionnaires took off his helmet. Those who were educated about the Horus Heresy quickly realized the Legionnaire was looking exactly like the old images of the fallen primarch.

« -I'm Alpharius, said the Legionnaire.

- Congratulations, sir ! You will find your prize in...

- I'm Alpharius. »

Everybody looked at the second legionnaire who spoke and who was now taking off his own helmet. And under it, the face was exactly the same as the one of the first legionnaire.

« I'm Alpharius. »

A third Legionnaire spoke and took off his helmet, showing the same face as the two others.

And he quickly got joined by all the other Alpha Legionnaires.

« - I'm Alpharius.

- I'm Alpharius.

- I'm Alpharius.

- I'm Alpharius.

- I'm Alpharius.

- I'm Omegon. »

The other Legionnaires looked at their brethren, who spoke the last. A quick look of shame passed on his face.

« I mean, I'm Alpharius. »

The other Legionnaires who didn't unmask themselves quickly got on the act. However, at this point, See, feeling the highest form of despair he could ever have imagined, had buried his face in the palms of his hands.

Until a growling voice got heard.

« I'm Alpharius. »

Everybody looked at the Hive Tyrant who had just spoken.

« Hey, give me a break, that sounded fun ! » Said the Tyranid, trying to justify himself.

* * *

><p><p>

_Okay guys, I'll spend the holidays in an internet free place, so no new chapters for two weeks. That will give me the opportunity to increase my stock of chapters for the future._

_Also, I'll try to use this time for finishing another fanfic I started. What I can say about it :_

_It will be a oneshot_

_It will feature a Space Marines chapter created by 4chan_

_No, I'm not talking about the Angry Marines_

_It will be serious, and not suited for children._

_This being said, I wish you all great holidays ! See you in 2012 !_


	29. Design by Bloody Stupid Johnson

The Tau Fire Warrior got out of the room and started to go down the corridor, wide enough for allowing six Space Marines to stand side by side, tall enough for allowing three of them to stand on each other's shoulders, and long of dozens of meters. It got him into a gigantic hangar, where the Burger Marines were parking all the vehicles they were using for delivering their meals all over the galaxy ; there were hundreds of such vehicles flying away or coming inside, while dozens of servants and Marines were buzzing around, carrying tons upon tons of meals inside the aircrafts. It took a long time to the Fire Warrior for reaching the other side of the hangar, located hundreds of meters away from where he came out.

Passing a great door, the Tau then arrived inside the repair center, where the aircrafts used by the chapter and damaged during their deliveries were being fixed by the Techmarines. The Tau didn't really look at all the work done there, but the quantity of machines stored and repaired there was staggering.

A giant gate later, the Tau passed next to the Scriptorium. There, dozens of Burger Marines scouts were studying the Holy Recipes for the meals they would one day have to cook. A veteran cook were supervising each group of the Marines in training, making them repeat by heart every step of the making of a burger, a salad, a dessert, or whatever else they would be serving. They were all surrounded by gigantic shelves, each of them higher than a standard housing block, filled to the brink with ancient tomes all dealing with the science of cooking, as well as the standard religious tomes found in every imperial building.

An incredibly long and big corridor later, the Fire Warrior got into the food processing part of the restaurant. The room was big enough for inducing vertigo to any normal being. There were at least two companies of Burger Marines working here, on impossibly huge kitchen appliances. The quantity of food that was present in the room could have fed at least half the crew of a battle barge. As if the activity of the Burger Marines wasn't frantic enough, servoskulls were flying everywhere, adding to the frenesy of the place.

Pushing a door, the Tau finally arrived at the restaurant's dining room. If the other rooms he had passed through were gigantic, then there were absolutely no words for describing the size of the place. Even an imperial cathedral couldn't hope comparing to this room ; a few of them could have fit in it actually, be it in length or height. Thousands of tables were scattered all over the place, each one welcoming groups of diverse customers, ranging from humans to mindless horrors coming straight out of the Warp for having a meal. The rays of the sun was filtered by incredibly detailed stained glass, showing scenes of the foundation of the very first Burger Marines' restaurant by the God-Emperor of Mankind himself. The main gates of the restaurant were standing on the opposite side of him. They were so far away from him that they seemed ridiculously small, but a Manta gunship could have passed through each one of them. And they were almost covering the entire side of the building. Behind him, the counter upon which the customers could take the order ran on all the length of the room. There were at least fifty lanes of people waiting to be served.

The Fire Warrior went straight to the table where his friends and him were eating. As they saw him coming, they all looked at him.

« Finally ! Said one of the other Tau. That was the longest bathroom break I've ever seen ! »

The Fire Warrior simply sat down while sighing.

« Those humans have no sense of scale, have they ? »


	30. They put sesame seeds on those buns

Regalbekon rushed into the restaurant like a maniac.

« A TYRANID IS COMING ! »

Tchikenwing the Master Cook sighed as he heard his brother.

« Oh please, brother, we already did that. Besides, one Tyranid is not that much of a problem. I mean, we have largely enough food for serving it, as well as all our other customers. Frankly, there is no reason for you to panick like this... »

Those words of wisdom didn't seem to calm Regalbekon a bit. Instead he grabbed the Master Cook by his shoulders and started to shout at him.

« This is no ordinary Tyranid I'm talking about ! This one is insatiable ! It only eats one of our most valuable meals ! We must protect our pastry stands as fast as possible before it's too late ! »

At first, Tchikenwing frowned... But then he finally realized what was putting Regalbekon in such a state. And now, he too was starting to get tensed.

« - The pastry stands ! By the God-Emperor, brother, you're not talking about... About...

- Alas, yes ! I'm talking about... »

The front door of the restaurant suddenly exploded under the charge of a monstrous creature. And every witnesses thought they had suddenly gone insane upon laying their eyes on it. Its size was huge and bulky, evoking a classic Carnifex, but some details of its anatomy were... Off. Blue fur was sprouting between each of its chitinous segments. Its big round eyes were bulging out of its orbits, and were wobbling at every single one of its moves. And as for its mouth, it was wide, but there wasn't a single fang inside ; it seemed to just be a black hole on its face.

The two Burger Marines screamed at the same time as the creature rushed towards the counter.

« THE COOKIEFEX ! »

The beast shoved them aside and continued to run in the direction of the little stands posed on the counter, containing all the cookies the Burger Marines had baked for their customers.

« ME EAT COOKIE ! » Screamed the beast as it got to its goal.

The Cookiefex used its four massive claws for grabbing as many cookies as it could and engulfed as many cookies as its mouth could contain. But as soon it had finished swallowing a batch, it grabbed another full batch and vigorously put them in its mouth.

« OM NOM NOM NOM ! »

A Blood Angel, with a strange pinkish / purplish complexion, sporting a goatee and wearing a monocle looked at the scene, amused.

« One ! Two ! Two cookie stands destroyed ! Ah ah ah ah ! »


	31. Now that's fresh meat

The Guardsman finally found an empty seat in the restaurant where he could sit and have his meal. He was absolutely STARVING, and he could eat an entire Squiggoth at this moment, so he couldn't wait anymore. He sat, opened the box containing his burger, licked his lips...

And then, he noticed his burger was shaking.

Surprised, he stopped as he was about to swallow his meal. It was now trembling, to the point that he wondered if there was an earthquake going on. But now, only his burger was shaking.

And then a tentacle sprouted out of the meat.

The Guardsman jumped backwards, even letting a little « meep » out as he did. An eye grew at the tip of the tentacle and looked around, before stopping when it saw the Guardsman. The burger then immediately shrieked in terror. Tiny wings formed at the sides of the burger, which quickly started to flew away as fast as possible.

The Guardsman stood there for a minute, completely in shock, but after a while he finally managed to regain some form of dignity. Correcting himself, he tried to look dignified as he called the young scout who was cleaning a table not too far away from him.

« - Yes sir ?

- I have to tell you something. But first I need you to promise something.

- What, sir ?

- Promise me you won't laugh.

- This won't happen sir.

- Good.

- So, what is your problem ? »

The Guardsman stayed as stoic as he could as he ssaid his next sentence.

« My meal grew wings and fled. »

The scout looked at him with a puzzled look. After what seemed to be long minutes, he finally talked back.

« - Was it a Tzeentchian burger ?

- Why, yes, it was.

- Ah. Sorry, sir, this sometimes happen with this menu. I will get you another one. »

As the scout was starting to go to the kitchen, the Guardsman raised his hand.

« Hum, no, I think I'll take a salad instead. »


	32. Unwanted surprise part 1

« Good morning, captain See. »

The Space Marine sported a great smile as he recognized his old friend on the communicator.

« - Inquisitor Culinas ! What a good surprise ! How is it going ?

- Well... I'm doing pretty good myself...

- It's been a while since we last saw you here ! You know, brother Wopper can't wait to prepare you another of his special Inquisiburger !

- Hooooo, how much I'd love eating one right now... You really know my favorite meals don't you ?

- After all those years, that would be a pity ! »

Culinas laughed a bit, but See quickly noticed that it was forced. Something was bothering the Inquisitor.

« - Is everything good, Inquisitor ?

- Mmmmh... I hate bringing bad news, but... Have you ever heard of Inquisitor Quiljoy the Second ? »

See frowned. Yeah, he did hear some things about that man.

« - The scourge of Noyurded ?

- Yeah, himself.

- What about him ?

- I just learned that he's on his way to your restaurant.

- What ? Why ?

- He heard that you were serving xenos and daemons. That made him furious, and he intends to make a surprise inspection for detecting any signs of heresy in your restaurant.

- So what ? Everybody knows we're serving xenos and heretics. We're supposed to convert everybody to mankind's food ; we would not accomplish our mission if we'd only serve humans !

- The problem is that Quiljoy the Second didn't know this. And he's ungodly fanatical. Any people who he perceives as heretic is to be immediately excommunicated, and he's not shy from abusing his power. Once, a colony was suffering from an epidemy that they couldn't contain. A passing Tau expedition decided to help them, bringing them medicines and doctors. When he heard about it, Quiljoy had the entire colony executed. »

See backed away. Sure, he was inclined to shun the xenos, but he wasn't stubborn to the point of ignoring the fact that in time of great needs, a temporary alliance was necessary.

« - What ! How did he manage to get out of this one ?

- He's coercing the higher ups, that's how. He knows enough about the Inquisition's dirty secrets for using them for forcing his hierarchy to let him do whatever he wants. »

The captain suddenly realized what was about to fall on him.

« - Wait... That means that if he finds anything that's not human in our restaurant, he'll declare Exterminatus on us right on the spot ?

- I'm afraid that's the case. I only learned about his visit right now. I'm sorry, that gives you very short time for preparing yourself, but that's the best I could do. I wish you good luck, captain. »

On those words, Culinas hung up. See took a few seconds for thinking about the situation. Then, he looked at the main room of the restaurant. It was a pretty calm moment, as the rush of the great meals wasn't on them yet, but the customers were still as diverse as it could be : humans were eating alongside Eldar, Tau, Orks and Daemons. All the things that would make Quiljoy call them heretics.

_And they shall know no fear._

Sure, but it wasn't preventing them from knowing when they were completely screwed.

« Poop. »


	33. Unwanted surprise part 2

« Alright, everybody, listen up ! »

The customers were all listening to the Burger Marine captain, wondering why he seemed to need their help suddenly. What they could see, however, was that all the other Burger Marines had stopped working for gathering near their superior.

«- We're sorry for the inconvenience, but a member of the Ordo Xenos is on the way to our restaurant, and he will surely have us closed, if not worse, if he sees anything that's not human in here !

- What ? Said an Eldar. That's inconceivable !

- Yeah, what Pointy Ears here said ! Replied a Guardsman. That's the best restaurant in the universe !

- Da Mehreens fud tastes bettah dan wut da Orks eet ! Added an Ork Boy.

- Thank you all for your support... Continued Kayeff See. We knew we could count on you. However, I'm afraid we'll have to ask something pretty difficult for you...

- You want us to leave before he arrives ? Asked a Tzeentchian Horror.

- I'm afraid it's too late for that. His ship has already reached this planet, and any massive exodus would only attract his attention.

- Den let'z krush him ! »

See suddenly looked shocked.

« - NO ! Hahem, sorry... That's certainly not a good idea. If we dispose of him, we'll only draw the wrath of the Inquisition upon us. And I have to remind you we're trying to avoid excommunication here !

- Question : So what do you want us to do ? Asked a Flayed One.

- Well... I know that will make a shock to some of you, but... We'll have to ask you to disguise yourself as humans. »

The Eldar squad was the most vocally opposed to the idea.

« - WHAT ! You want us all to pass as frakking Mon'Keigh ?

- I know what you feel, quickly added See, but we can't see any other solutions. Besides, that won't be too difficult for you, considering you look like humans with pointy ears.

- INCREDIBLY sexy humans !

- Yeah, sure... Said See, wanting to put an end to the controversy as fast as possible. For the rest of you, we could get our hands on some tools and uniforms of the Imperial Guard that would do the trick. But we'll have to ask you all to cooperate. »

The general indignation was starting to fade among the customers, letting place to resignation. See wouldn't feel relaxed yet, but at least, that seemed to be a problem that was solved.

However, one of the Flayed Ones lifted its hand.

« - Question : So, if we get it right, we have to do anything we can for looking like humans ?

- Exactly, sir. »

The Flayed Ones all slowly turned their heads for staring at a group of Imperial Guardsmen on another table.

It took a moment for the Guardsmen to realize why the Necrons were looking at them.

« Poop. » Said one of the Guardsmen.


	34. Unwanted surprise part 3

« Lord Inquisitor Quiljoy ! What a pleasure to meet you ! »

Kayeff See tried to look both enchanted and surprised when the inquisitor and his suite entered in the restaurant. For his part, Quiljoy the Second was himself doing his best for looking as intimidating as possible. There wasn't a single trace of amability in his face, which only managed to make the Burger Marine captain even more worried about how this visit would turn out than he already was.

« - I highly doubt it, said the inquisitor in a cold tone. If what I heard about your order is right, you have all the reasons to fear me.

- We are Space Marines. We don't know fear.

- Yet. »

Alright, thought See, this is going to be even more difficult than I first thought.

At this moment, the young scout Quetsch Hup arrived with a board filled with diverse beverage.

« - Alright, my Lord... Maybe you want some refreshments before we start the review ? You must have made quite a trip...

- Another reason for not losing my time any longer, Space Marine. I didn't make all this trip from Spania III for drinking ! »

See suddenly paused. Something was bothering him, all of a sudden.

« Wait a second... You said you're from a planet called Spania III ? »

Quiljoy the Second looked at the Burger Marine captain with a strange look on his face.

« - Yes.

- And you're the Inquisition... »

Quiljoy sighed. Here we go again.

« - Yes...

- Sooooooo... That makes you the Spanish...

- Spanian. And if you ever continue this joke, I'll excommunicate you on the spot, Space Marine captain or not. Is this clear ? »

See's expression shifted into the most neutral form it could take. He also bit his tongue before adding another word.

« Very clear. Let us begin then... »

Menyu the Librarian joined his captain and the inquisitor right at this moment. He wasn't exactly in his normal state, what with the highly risky situation they were in.

« - Ah, said See, let me introduce you to our sanctionned Librarian, brother Menyu !

- It's an honor to meet you, Lord Inquisitor, said the Librarian. I must have to apologize in advance for the state of our kitchen, but as you may have guessed... »

Menyu didn't notice the panicked gestures his captain was making in the back of Quiljoy the Second for making him shut up.

« … We weren't expecting you. »

A poor choice of words if there ever was one. One of the inquisitor's assistants, who had to fight the pressing urge for weeks, finally cracked when he heard the Librarian's apologies.

« NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPAN... »

DAKKA !

Quiljoy quietly put his bolt pistol in its holster. The servoskulls were already cleaning the place from the mess caused by the excommunication.

See and Menyu stood silent.

« Shall we proceed ? » Asked Quiljoy the Second.

The two Burger Marines gave a quick glance at each other.

Oh boy.

« Sure. »


	35. Unwanted surprise part 4

« So, did this tour of our humble restaurant put an end to your worries, Lord Inquisitor ? »

Quiljoy the Second smiled to Kayeff See, the first time since he arrived. That didn't really stop the captain's apprehension.

« - Quite. I've seen no traces of heresy in your methods. The Imperial cult is respected by your members and your apprentice, so on that point I've got nothing to say. Now... You assure me that you only serve humans in this restaurant ? No xenos or daemons ?

- By the God-Emperor, no ! Protested See. You have seen by yourself ! All our customers are humans ! »

Quiljoy nodded.

« Tell me, brother captain... Do you really think I'm stupid ? »

See felt the excommunication coming. That was not going to end well.

« - Of course not, Lord Inquisitor !

- Is that so ? Then why do you really want me to believe that those so-called Ogryns aren't actually Orks hastily painted in pink ?

- Hey, humie, we iz totuly ogerynz ! Said one of the Orks. We'z stoopid and wiz da humie ! »

Another Ork, not painted like his comrades rushed in the restaurant and went to the rest of his gang.

« - Hey, Boss ! Tosnappa sed dat you haz a tiny choppah !

- WUT ! I'll krush is skul ! WAAAAAAAGH !

- WAAAAAAAGH ! » Screamed all the other « Ogryns », just before rushing out of the restaurant.

See facepalmed. Quiljoy didn't comment on the event, but that didn't mean he was finished.

« - As for those Imperial Guards here, it's quite evident they're actually Eldar to whom you gave Imperial equipment. And not very pleased Eldar, may I had.

- What are you implying, filthy Mon'Keigh ? Said one of the « Guards ». We are just as... (He almost spat the following word) human as you.

- With your pointed ears ? You didn't even bother taking your soulstones off !

- NEVER ! MY SOULSTONES WERE GIVEN TO ME BY MY FATHER FOR PROTECTING MY SOUL ! NOTHING'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY FAMILY JEWELS !

- You... Might want to rephrase that, said See.

- And those other Guards there are quite obviously Tzeentch Horrors that tried to transform into a human form but failed !

- Dammit, Jilljvxdjky ! I told you humans don't have tentacles for fingers ! » Said one of the Horrors.

Quiljoy the Second turned and faced the Burger Marine captain again, but this time, his mask of affability had vanished. He was quite visibly angered by what he saw in this restaurant, and See could only guess what it meant for him.

« And you dare call yoruself a faithful servant of the Imperium ! You allow the heretic and the xeno in your restaurants ! I'll have your whole order excommunicated ! I'll have you feel the wrath of Holy Terra ! Warp, all I'd have to do is to show them a picture of those Flayed Ones over here, who tried to masquarade by... »

Quiljoy suddenly stopped. It was as if he finally realized something about the Necrons he had pointed, something he couldn't bear. He rushed out of the restaurant, not even waiting for his suite to follow him, as he had to resist puking before being out of the restaurant.

See wondered why the Inquisitor suddenly lost it, so he gave a quick look at the Flayed Ones. That lasted a bit longer, when he realized the Flayed Ones were all wearing a strange disguise made of human skin hastily sewn together, in a badly executed attempt to masquarade as humans. There were even some traces of fresh blood here and there.

Now that he was thinking about it, earlier that day, there was a whole platoon of Imperial Guards in the restaurant, but when the Inquisitor made his inspection, there were no traces of them.

The Burger Marine and the Flayed Ones looked at each other with an interrogative look.

« You... You guys haven't skinned alive some of our customers, have you ? »

The Flayed Ones looked at each other. It took them some long seconds for formulating an answer.

« Embarrassed lie : Nooooooo ? »

Kayeff See sighed with relief.

« Wow ! You had me worried for a second ! »


	36. Unwanted surprise part 5

« Ah, Captain See ! It's really good to see you ! »

See didn't answer immediately to the friendly face he could see on the communicator. The latest hours had taken their toll on his usual set of mind, and now he was more resigned than anything.

« - Good evening, inquisitor Culinas. I'm glad to see you too.

- Wow, you really seem down, See, said the inquisitor, genuinely worried.

- Well, we'll certainly get exterminatus very soon, so I don't see why I should be very joyful... But, as Space Marines, we will face death without fear. Too bad though... We know that we served the God-Emperor, but we will still...

- Wait, what are you saying ? »

See looked at the face of his friend. He didn't seem to grasp that they were doomed.

« We failed, simply. We didn't manage to hide to Quiljoy the nature of our customers. So, he'll soon decreet exterminatus on this restaurant. »

The Burger Marine captain suddenly realized that Culinas was looking at him as if he said something really stupid.

« See, you realize that if Quiljoy wanted to decreet exterminatus, he would have done it immediately, right ? »

See thought a little... And then understood what his friend meant.

« - Wait... That's right ! His ship is equipped with all the weapons he needs for this ! And that's been three days since his visit !

- This is why I was calling you, See. I wanted to greet you for your survival.

- But... How could this be ! He saw we're serving xenos and heretics ! Why didn't he react ?

- He disappeared, See.

- What ?

- The Inquisition has been trying to contact him for three days for knowing the results of his inspection. He never answered. Not only can't we contact him on his personal communicator, but we also find absolutely no traces of his ship. It's as if they were gone. We're going to investigate about what happened.

- That's impossible ! I saw him go to the spaceport, still ranting about what he discovered, and getting to his ship !

- Are you... Sure you didn't do anything else ? »

Even though he knew why the inquisitor was asking him this question, See still felt a bit outraged.

« - Of course I am ! I wouldn't do anything to a member of the Inquisition, and you know it ! That would be the quickest way to be declared Excommunicate Traitoris !

- Oh, I'm sure you're not lying, Kayeff, said the Inquisitor. I still have to ask, you know. Besides, you shouldn't have to worry too much. I told you already, Quiljoy wasn't really liked, and a lot of people upstairs are actually glad about this strange turn of event. Let me tell you the investigation will not really be pushed forward. »

See, still a bit worried, allowed himself to feel somewhat relieved. Well, that were sure good news.

« - I know I shouldn't, but I'm really pleased to hear this, Culinas.

- As much as I'm pleased to have delivered those news to you, See. Let's have a little meal for celebrating as soon as I'll come to your restaurant !

- Sure ! And we'll offer it to you ! »

The Burger Marine captain started to scratch his chin.

« Although I'm still wondering what happened... »

* * *

><p><p>

_Three days earlier..._

Quiljoy the Second was looking at the planet from his observation deck. His assistant was standing behind him.

« - So, what is your decision, Lord Inquisitor ?

- I thought I had been clear, you stupid worm ! I decreet Exterminatus on this heretic restaurant ! Now, go to the main deck and... »

Quiljoy stopped in the middle of his sentence. As he was speaking, he turned to face his assistant... Only to find himself face to face with the scariest being he ever saw during his whole career. A hideous parody of a human was staring at him, an inhuman and eery smile frozen on its face.

« NOBODY THREATENS MY CREATORS ! » Shouted the King, as his eyes burnt red.

Quiljoy screamed... But nobody could hear him. For he was the only living soul left on the ship.


	37. Mmmh, canned food

The governor looked at all the defenses that were being put in place. His world was a real garnison, allowing him to field several battallions of the Imperial Guard for the incoming war. From his observation point, he could see millions of men preparing themselves. Dozens upon dozens of artillery pieces were aiming at the skies. The Sentinels and the Leman Russ were getting into position. Anyone who would try to invade his world would have one warp of a fight to do.

But he wasn't sure it would be enough. He got the word weeks ago that a Tyranid Hive Fleet was heading in his way. He had heard all the tales about those abominations, and if they were as formidable as the rumors said they were, even the impressive army upon his eyes may not be enough. Hadn't they massacred the First Company of Ultramarines in the past ?

…

Okay, bad example. ANYBODY could beat the Ultramarines, but nobody admits it in front of them for not making them sad.

Still, he was spending the rare moments of leisure he had at his disposal for praying for a miracle from the God-Emperor. He wasn't sure he would see the end of the week.

His aide suddenly bursted into the room, exhausted from having ran so fast.

« My Lord ! Great news ! The Hive Fleet had changed its course ! »

The governor turned to face his assistant. At the moment, relief and joy was invading his mind.

« - What ! Is this true ?

- Yes, my Lord ! Central Command was completely at lost, but orbital observation did prove that the Tyranids are no longer coming this way ! In fact, it's as if they completely lost interest in invading our world ! They don't even seem to realize we exist anymore !

- The God-Emperor be blessed, this is a miracle ! Do we have any explanations !

- None at all, my Lord ! »

The assistant read his notes again, as he reminded a little detail.

« Though they do seem to have changed their course when a small spaceship got out of the Warp near our planet... »

* * *

><p><p>

The Burger Marines' cruiser _Emperor's glorious sandwich_ was pushing its engines to the maximum, but it could barely keep the distance between the Hive Fleet and it. The Tyranids were constantly coming closer, and the two Marines in board didn't know what to do. It wasn't any easier for them with their hull being completely filled with various meals ordered by the planet's Guardsmen in anticipation of the battle.

« I knew something would go wrong with this delivery ! » Said one of the Astartes.


	38. 10 millenia old spice

« Governor ? It's an honor to see you ! What is bringing you in our humble restaurant ? »

The governor wasn't looking particularly at ease, which surprised captain See. Usually, the governor was quite relaxed, but today, something was clearly bothering him.

« - Well... I received something in my mail today, and... Well, I wanted to have a talk with you...

- What is it ?

- Hum... I wanted to ask you... How are your relations with the Ultramarines ? »

See frowned. Where did this come from ?

« - Quite neutral. Even if we're Space Marines, we are not supposed to fight, so we never adhered to the Codex Astartes. They quite never accepted this, but they never actually forced us to follow it. Why this question ?

- Well... I received a video message from them, which they apparently sent to every single governor outside of their realm, and... Do you have a holoset here ? I think you should see this. »

Curious about what the governor was meaning, See had a holoset installed right in the main room. The governor put a data tablet inside the holoset and put the whole device on.

After a few statics, the image cleared for revealing none other than Marneus Calgar himself, standing in what appeared to be a bathroom, with a shower functionning in the background. The Ultramarines' chapter master was sporting a rather smug smile.

« Hello, imperial governors, said Calgar. Look at your Space Marine, now back to me, now back at your Space Marine, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't an Ultramarine... »

Calgar then lifted his hand, showing an handheld copy of the Codex Astartes.

« … But if he stops using heretical methods and switch to the words of our true spiritual liege Roboute Guilliman, he could act like an Ultramarine. Look down... »

The set suddenly turned into the observation deck of a Battlebarge.

« … Back up. Where are you ? You're on a Battlebarge, with the Space Marine your Space Marine can act like. »

After a few steps, Calgar seemed to put the book down. When he lifted his hand again, he was now holding the severed head of an Ork.

« Watch in your hand, now back at me. I have it : it's the head of that Ork Boss that's been plaguing your sector for months ! »

The head suddenly dissolved into a pile of diamonds which started to flow out of his hand.

« Look again : the head is now diamonds ! »

The Codex Astartes then started to appear in the middle of the diamonds.

« Anything is possible when your Space Marine act like an Ultramarine and not like an heretic. I'm on an Ambull. »

And as the camera zoomed out, it indeed appaeared to be the case, as Calgar was now riding an Ambull, which promptly screeched.

The whole scene then panned to black, but just as the video was about to cut itself, the picture of a bearded commissar pulling his two thumbs up and smiling in an unflattering way for him appeared on the screen.

« _This message has been approved by the commissar Madwart. _»

And finally statics again.

The whole audience was now completely dumbfounded, including Kayeff See, who couldn't do anything but to look at the screen with his mouth wide open.

« See what I meant ? » Asked the governor.

The Burger Marine captain didn't answer. However, far in the back, an Ultramarine captain facepalmed, visibly annoyed by what he saw.

« Why do I even bother ? » Wondered captain Titus.


	39. yawn what a surprise

Shadowsun and Farsight were staring at each other, clearly looking enraged at the presence of the other. The two Tau commanders had decided by some coincidence to have a meal in the same restaurant, at the same time. Even with the strange pacifying field that seemed to exist in the Burger Marines' restaurants, the tension was so thick you could have chocked on it.

« - So, traitor, you're still alive ? Asked Shadowsun, who wasn't even trying to hide her contempt.

- As you can see, slave of the Ethereals, replied Farsight, just as coldly. »

A few seconds of silence passed. The two Tau were still staring at each other.

« - You are the shame of the Tau, said Shadowsun.

- And you are a tool, said Farsight.

- You are bringing anarchy and discord in our empire ! Do you want us to get back to the dark ages ?

- I am bringing enlightement, you foolish wrench ! The rule of the Ethereals has lasted for too long !

- How dare do you insult them ? The Ethereals have brought unity to our race ! They have showed us the way to the stars ! They are guiding us towards the Greater Good ! They...

- … They enslaved us, and we willingly jumped into their clutches ! You have absolutely no idea of the disaster we are heading to if we keep following their orders ! »

Shadowsun suddenly jumped out of her seat, enraged.

« I will have you executed for treason, you usurper ! »

Farsight got up too, hitting his table with his fist as he did so.

« For this you'd have to be competent, you sorry excuse of a Shas'O ! »

Now, the two Tau were facing each other, screaming insults at each other while a few inches were barely separating them.

« - Felon !

- Shortsighted idiot !

- Ork pawn !

- Cannon fodder !

- Maniac !

- Wide eyed idealist !

- Psychopath !

- Extremist ! »

For a few seconds, Shadowsun and Farsight stopped in their insults and looked at each other, a look of absolute hatred on their faces, breathing heavily, their teeth clenched...

Before kissing each other violently.

They started to make out as passionately as they were screaming at each other only a few seconds before. In fact, when they lost their balance and fell on the floor, it didn't seem to affect them in the least, as they continued kissing and groping each other as if nothing happened.

Their respective squads, who were still sitting at the tables their leaders had chosen, looked at the two of them with both boredom and exasperation.

« And it's the same crap every week... » said one of Farsight's Fire Warrior in a tired tone.


	40. Breaking news

It was just a standard day at the restaurant. Brother Regalbekon was taking the orders at the counter, as he saw the Eldar Farseer walk towards him.

« Good afternoon, what do you... »

The Farseer suddenly raised his hand for making the Burger Marine stop. Surprised, Regalbekon obeyed and waited for what would happen next. The Eldar had his eyes closed, and seemed to concentrate.

« I see... That I will have... A Meat Titan... With a Vulkan Cola and a salad instead of the french fries... »

Regalbekon blinked, before deciding that was the Eldar's way of ordering his meal. He quickly typed the order on his computer.

« Alright, then. Do you wish... »

The Eldar suddenly interrupted him. He was still looking like he was lost in his thoughts.

« I also see... That it will be the only thing I'll have... »

Regalbekon stood silent for a moment. That was starting to be awkward.

« Ooooookay... It will be... »

The Eldar raised his hand again. Regalbekon tried his best not to sigh.

« I see... That I will have to pay 6,40 credits... »

_Wow, you do basic arythmetics too ?_ Regalbekon had to bite his tongue for preventing himself from saying what he was thinking at the moment, and decided to go prepare the Eldar's order. When he finished placing the food on the Farseer's plate, the Eldar looked at it, smiled and chuckled.

« Just as predicted... »

The Eldar paid for his meal, but just as Regalbekon thought it was finally over, as he grabbed his plate with one of his hand, the Farseer closed his eyes again and touched his forehead.

« I see... That I will have to sit for eating this... »

The Eldar finally left, not even saluting the Burger Marine. Regalbekon looked at him going away, not particularly thrilled by the experience, before going back to the other customers. The next one, however, was an Eldar Warlock. Judging by the colors of his robe, he was certainly from the same group than the Farseer. As Regalbekon could remember, Farseers were often accompanied by Warlocks, so he quickly deduced he was one of his bodyguards. Before the Warlock could say anything, Regalbekon quickly pointed the Farseer.

« Is he always like this ? »

The Warlock just shrugged.

« Meh. You get used to it. »


	41. Ignorance is bliss

The Guardsmen finally found a seat in the crowded restaurant. Taking their orders had already been a hassle, because of all the customers that were currently being served, but then the real trouble was to find a big enough table for welcoming all of them. They finally managed to find one.

« - At last ! Said the platoon's sergent. I was starving right here !

- Yeah, Sarge, that was a close one ! » Replied one of the soldiers under his orders.

The humans quickly took a seat and began to consume their orders... But there was one who was only eating fries and nothing else. His comrades quickly noticed this.

« - Hey, Jon, what's going on ? I thought you said in the Chimera that you'd eat an entire ambull !

- Yeah, but I really wanted chicken sticks, replied Jon. And they were out of them. They're going to serve me here as soon as they'd have cooked some.

- Ah. Okay. »

The Guardsmen resumed their meal, talking and joking between each other for a few minutes.

Then, the scout Quetsh Hup came to their table.

« - Excuse me, does anybody on this table had ordered chicken sticks ?

- Yes, replied Jon as he turned round, that was me, I'll... »

Jon stopped. Everybody suddenly stared at the scout and the order. If those were chicken sticks he was carrying, then one could wonder what exactly the poultry had eaten before being cooked. There were only two sticks on the plate, but they were absolutely gigantic. Each was almost as big as one of the humans, even reduced to the part before the knee. Hup actually had some difficulties to place it on the table without breaking his back. In fact, the humans could have sworn the table almost collapsed under the weight of the drumsticks.

« - What... What the... Said Jon, still under the shock. Is this really chicken ?

- Unfortunately, no, sir, replied Hup. We had ran out of chicken meat, so we had to use another poultry for cooking your meal.

- Another poultry ! What kind of poultry can have such legs ? »

The humans got their answer from another customer who was sitting on the table next to them. To be more precise, from a very pouty looking Lord of Change, who had somehow lost his two legs.

« Trust me, human, you don't want to know. »


	42. I don't think ROUSs exist

Captain Kayeff See was leading the squad in those abandonned sections of the restaurant, deep under the storage rooms. Over the course of the millenia, the restaurant just kept on expanding, and entire sectors of the building had been left as maintenance was becoming too much of a strain of ressources. They had been walking in derelict corridors and rooms for one hour and a half now.

Regalbekon wondered what the fuss was all about. An entire armed squadron of Space Marines for such a trivial mission ? They even brought brother Wopper with them, with functionning weapons instead of his usual tools !

« - Hahem, brother-captain, sorry if that sounds stupid... But why are we down here, exactly ?

- I thought I already told you, replied the captain. We have to take care of some rats that are infesting this sector.

- Using bolters, flamethrowers and assault cannons ? Isn't this a bit... Overkill ?

- Well... Usually, we'd just call the exterminators... »

See was suddenly interrupted by a strange noise. A mix of clicking, scraping, hissing... All coming from the darkness in their direction.

« … But those rats ate our stock of Tzeentchian meat, and sometimes, it has interesting results... »

Regalbekon finally understood what his captain meant when he saw the source of the noise. They were rats, alright, but as tall as small humans. They were running on their hindlegs, their forelegs holding primitive weapons and shields made from whatever scraps they could find down under. Regalbekon also noticed they were all wearing tattered rags, and a strange triangle shaped symbol was painted on every piece of equipment they had.

Taking a better look at the back of the screeching horde, he also noticed a bunch of gigantic rats, those ones as big and muscled as ogryns.

« KILL THE HUMANS, YES YES ! » Screamed the most heavily armored rat, who was apparently commanding them.

The Burger Marines answered by starting to mow down the rats with their weapons.

« And aim for the horned ones with a grey robe first ! Screamed See. They're the most vicious of the lot ! »

_Okay, I admit... I had plans for a Warhammer 40000 / Warhammer Fantasy Battle crossover fanfic where a bunch of Space Marines and a platoon of the Imperial Guard arrived on the Warhammer world and completely shattered the statu quo by their mere presence, but that's way too epic for the time I have at my disposal. I still have some scenes in my head, though. A man can dream, right ?_


	43. At least it's not PETA

The Guardsman rushed inside the restaurant, visibly shocked.

« CHAOS MARINES ! CHAOS MARINES ARE COMING ! »

After a few seconds where everybody looked at the Guardsman with bewildered eyes, Brother-captain See simply nodded and got near the soldier, a huge smile on his face.

« - Chaos Marines, you say ?

- Yes, brother captain ! Replied the Guardsman, still shaking. We must organize our defenses, before they arrive ! »

See laughed as if he had heard the best joke in the world. The soldier realized that something was wrong. This feeling was reinforced when See put his arm around his shoulders.

« - Tell me, private, who do you see on that table over there ?

- Well, a bunch of... »

The Guardsman widened his eyes.

« - … Of World Eaters.

- And over there ?

- Black... Legion... Terminators...

- And there ? »

The Guardsman sighed. Suddenly, he was feeling really dumb.

« - A squad of Thousand Sons.

- You see ? Nothing to worry ! Here, at Burger Marines', we serve everybody, from humans to xenos to heretics, because we know our food is the best there is ! And do you know why nobody wants to destroy us ? Because everybody knows this. You are in the only place in the galaxy where you can sit near spawns of Chaos without fear of being brutally murdered or twisted beyond your imagination.

- Yeah... Now that you mention it...

- And there is also another reason that we serve them. You see, our food has been sanctionned by the God-Emperor himself. If those heretics like it... Then, it might be the first step towards their redemption. We mustn't drive them away from our restaurants, but in contrary, we welcome them, as customers, as kings, as brothers. There is no Chaos Marine chapter that is banned from our restaurants ! »

Seeing how foolish the Guardsman had been, he allowed himself to feel relieved, even though a little bit of shame was still lurking behind his faint smile. Yeah. He must have been overreacting over the whole situation.

« Except that one chapter, of course. »

The Guardsman looked at Kayeff See, as the captain said those last words. He had one horrible feeling...

« Those Chaos Marines... Are they wearing lime green armours ? »

See looked at the soldier. He was still smiling, but now, it was looking... Forced.

« - Yes. They do.

- And is their symbol a hollow horn with fruits and vegetables coming out of it ? »

See's smile sloooooowly faded away.

« How do you know this ? »

The Guardsman tried to form an answer that wouldn't anger the Burger Marine. But his thoughts got interrupted by the sudden explosion of the front door. Kayeff See, the Guardsman and all the other Burger Marines looked at the newcomers.

The Guardsman shivered. It were the Chaos Marines he had spotted earlier. By the look on the eyes of their leader, who wasn't wearing a helmet, they certainly weren't there for having a meal. When he talked, it was with an awfully terrifying note in his voice.

« Hello, animal murderers. » Said the Chaos Marine.

The Guardsman, panicked, saw a pure expression of hatred form itself on See's face.

« VEGAN MARINES ! Screamed the Burger Marines' captain as he drew his storm bolter from its holster. SHOW NO MERCY, BROTHERS ! »

Both the Burger Marines and the Chaos Marines drew their weapons, almost in unison. As the sound of weapons clicking and bolters being fired started to echo in the restaurant, the Guardsman realized he was just between the two factions.

« Poop. »


	44. Kirby would be proud

The Dark Angel and the Space Wolf looked at each other with defying looks. For millenia, the feud between the two founding chapters had been raging, each time causing a duel between their champions, in a futile attempt to determine once and for all which between Leman Russ or Lion El'Jonson was in the right. Once again, this fight was about to take place.

Except that this time, it wouldn't be performed through martial skill. The Dark Angels and Space Wolves met in a Burger Marines restaurant, the tension soon built up, but because of the strange aura emanating from the restaurant, the two squadrons settled for a different contest.

An eating contest.

Now, the two champions were sitting one next to the other, with huge plates filled with dozens of Meat Titans posed on it. A large crowd was observing the whole scene, waiting eagerly for it to start.

Finally, Menyu the Librarian gave the signal.

« GO ! »

The two Space Marines threw themselves on their plates and immediately began to munch absolutely huge portions of the hamburgers. It was... An unsual sight, to say the least. People were pretty much expecting the Space Wolf to devour his meal, knowing how the members of this chapter were known for being quite a good company when it came to feasting, but he was clearly breaking everybody's expectations. He was closer to an hungry predator eating a large prey before the alpha male would come take its part. On the other hand, the Dark Angel could have appeared more civilized... But the circumstances were conspiring against this. He had regressed to a feral state as well, eating as if there would be no tomorrow, not even paying attention to all the stains that were accumulating on his robe.

For an unaverted eye, it looked like the two Space Marines were on a tie, but as the duel went on, it became increasingly clear that the Space Wolf was slowly but surely getting ahead, not by far, but still outracing his opponent.

When he finished his last burger, the Dark Angel still had one half burger to finish. The Space Wolf threw his arms to the sky, looking victorious.

« I won ! Tonight I honored the memory of Russ ! Brothers, we shall celebrate this glorious day and... »

Menyu walked to him, nodding disapprovingly.

« I'm sorry, but no, you haven't won sir. »

The Space Wolf looked at the Burger Marine with an incredulous look. It took him a few seconds to react, but when he did, his voice boomed in the whole restaurant.

« - WHAT ! How can you say that ! I beat him fair and square !

- I can say this, sir, because you're forgetting that there weren't only the two of you in this contest. »

Menyu then pointed the Carnifex, that the two competing Space Marines had completely forgotten in their duel. The Tyranid belched before throwing his empty plate on the floor.

« MORE ! Screamed the Carnifex. I WANT MORE ! »

Menyu's eyes rolled.

« By the God-Emperor, that would be his fourth plate... »


	45. Nerrrrrrrd !

« Query : A Kiddimperial Box, please. »

It got masked by his helmet, but Regalbekon raised an eyebrow. It was the fourth Necron since he took his place at the counter who had been ordering the children's menu. It was a bit unusual, but then again, it wasn't his place to make strange assumptions about the customers. Especially when they were as strange as the Necrons. So, in a minute, the Necron's order had been carried, and as soon as he paid, the xeno turned his back and moved away. Before he could start focusing on the next customer, however, Regalbekon noticed that a few other Necrons were leaving the other waiting lines with their orders. All of them had apparently ordered a Kiddimperial Box.

That was... Weird. But his duty was calling, so he quickly let it slip.

If he could have left his place, Regalbekon would have realized that all those Necrons were converging to a large group of tables that had been gathered by the customers. Every single customer in this group was a Necron, from varying backgrounds : Overlords, Lords, Crypteks, Lych Guards, Destroyers... All of them were sitting around. And all of them had taken a Kiddimperial Box.

Presiding the group, was none other than Trazyn the Infinite. The old and wise archivist was silently sitting, waiting for the last of the Necrons to join them. When the final Necron sat at the other end of the table, Trazyn finally spoke.

« Affirmation : Well, there is no more need to maintain the masquarade. »

All the other Necrons nodded in unison... Before starting to transform. Their bodies quickly changed shape, each one turning into the same individual. After a few seconds, all the Necrons revealed themselves as drones of Trazyn. An Ork who saw the transformation stared at them for a few seconds, looked at his mushroom beer, and ditched it in the nearest garbage can.

« Order : Open your boxes ! »

All the drones obeyed to Trazyn, and quickly searched inside. It didn't take them long to pull the little toys that were offered with the meal out of their boxes, and they all presented it to their master.

Trazyn examined every single one of the toys, compared them, and finally looked at all his servants.

« Celebration : We have succeeded ! We now have the complete set of action figures from the ''Assault on Black Reach'' holovid ! »

Trazyn and all his clones cheered after the Necron had finished his speech.

Nearby, a Space Wolf was looking at them. Hidden in his backpack was a little toy, shaped like My Little Pony's Pinky Pie.

« Gee, and I thought I was a desperate case... »


	46. Hello Pavlov !

« … And even though the Harlequin survived, he could never walk again ! »

The group of World Eaters laughed loudly as their leader finished his anecdote. More surprising was the fact that there was a Guardsman with them, who was laughing along with them. As he arrived in the restaurant, all the places were already taken, except for one on the table of the Chaos Marines. Of course, at first, there had been a few strange stares between the Marines and the Guardsman, but strangely the ice quickly melted. It wasn't long before they started to chat, to joke and to talk about themselves.

« - By the Emperor, that was hysterical ! Said the Guardsman. I really wish I had been there !

- Oh yeah ! Said one of the World Eater, still recovering from the hilarity. And wait until we get to what happened to their Wraithguards !

- So what ? Asked the Guardsman.

- Oooooh, it's a long story ! Said the World Eater's chief. But I can start by saying that those pansy Noise Marines had been useful for once ! »

The large group was really getting along. Sure, a few of the other customers were looking at them oddly, but if there could have been a better testimony of the Burger Marines' strange soothing aura, it could have been this. One of the Astartes was starting to clean a table that had been recently deserted by a group of Ork. That would take him some time.

« - It's too bad we're fighting each other the rest of the time ! Said the Guardsman. You guys are a real riot !

- That's nothing ! Replied one of the Chaos Marine. You should meet Kharne, he's one warp of a fun guy !

- And to think our bosses portrayed you as a bunch of bloodthirsty maniacs ! »

The Burger Marine next to him gave a glance at the Guardsman. It wasn't his place to criticize heresy of this kind, but as a Space Marine, it was still bugging him a bit.

However, his expression changed when he saw the Guardsman take a bottle of ketchup and open it.

« Nah, frankly, I don't think you're that... »

Before the Burger Marine could react, the Guardsman already pressed the bottle, making some of the sauce drip on his fries.

« NO ! » Screamed the Burger Marine, but it was too late.

The Guardsman looked at the Astartes, wondering why he was looking so dejected, before getting back to his new friends.

Who were staring at the ketchup sauce in complete silence, their previous hilarity having suddenly disappeared.

The Guardsman was completely at lost... And then noticed the Chaos Marines faces twitching, as a little bit of foam was starting to form at their lips.

He looked at the ketchup.

Whoops.

Maybe his bosses weren't that wrong, after all.

Which got confirmed when the World Eaters suddenly stood up and drew their chainaxes out.

« BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD ! »

The Guardsman's last words seriously lacked dignity.

« Oh, poop. »


	47. Warp's Angel

The Pirhana glided towards the window where the Fire Warriors piloting would be served, and where they'd pay. After a quick chat, the two Taus decided that even though they didn't have time for staying in the restaurant, they'd still love to get some burgers, so there they were, in the restaurant's drive in.

« Alright, said the Burger Marine at the window, it will be 20... »

An explosion cut him out. Surprised, both the Astartes and the Taus looked in the direction where it came from.

It appeared that a Leman Russ had exploded some way in the back. But soon, other vehicles started to explode, all of which were basically forming the waiting line to the drive in. It was hard to see what exactly was causing all this, but it appeared that a small but heavily armoured vehicle was rampaging through the customers.

The Burger Marine, however, seemed to immediately understand what was going on.

« Oh frak ! DR emergency ! GET OUT OF THE LINE, NOW ! »

The last shout was directed at the Taus, who didn't wait for the Burger Marine to reiterate his order as they quickly understood that if they'd stay where they were, they'd get crushed. Just as they glided to the side, nearly crashing into nearby bushes, they caught a glimpse of what was causing all this.

It was a single motorcycle, heavy and bulky, piloted by what looked like a Space Marine. The problem was, that the Marine wasn't really riding it, as he was standing on his vehicle, one foot on the seat, the other on the handler. The Taus managed to see that he was wearing a purple and black armor, but the most astounding part of the Marine was his head, which was looking like a skull on fire. The strange creature threw something at the counter, just as the Burger Marine on duty threw something else. A few seconds later, the Marine was already far in the distance, leaving only a trail of fire behind him. As well as an incoherent scream.

« I DO ! »

Still flabbergasted by what happened, the Taus managed after a while to look at the Burger Marine who had been serving them not ten seconds earlier. He was busy counting some bank notes, and the Fire Warriors needed a few more seconds to realize the strange Marine actually threw money at the counter and got served in return.

« - What was that ? Said one of the Fire Warriors.

- Sorry, replied the Burger Marine. That was Doomrider's weekly order. He never quite got that whole ''slowing down'' thing... »


	48. Just wait till you see his desserts

All the Burger Marines were particularly busy that day, what with the horde of customers that decided to come to their restaurant all at the same time. This didn't seem to particularly impress Quetsch Hup, who quickly ran to the brother captain Kayeff See, despite him having to organize the work of his brethens.

« Brother captain ! It's an infamy ! An Ork has installed a food stand in our parking lot ! »

See glanced at the young scout, before going back to his tasks at hand. He visibly had more urgent matter to solve.

« Really ? Oh well. We'll ask him to go when we'll have five minutes. Get back in the main room, young Hup. »

The scout didn't obey to his superior. He was way too surprised to actually do anything. He just stood there for a few seconds before finally reacting.

« What do you mean, ''when we'll have five minutes'' ? He's selling xeno food right there ! »

When his captain looked at him again, Hup suddenly wished he had shut up. Seeing his superior this annoyed wasn't something that would be good for his training.

« - You said it was an Ork, right ?

- Uh... Well, yes...

- Then, if you know anything about Ork food, you'd know this won't be a problem ! »

« So what do you serve exactly ? »

The Ork tried to smile at the Guardsman, but it only managed to make the human feel like the xeno was about to bite his head off.

« Mushrum burger, fried mushrumz in a bun, hotsquig, fresh mushrumz, fried squig and mushrumz wiz squig sauce ! All wiz mushrum beer !»

The Guardsman raised an eyebrow. Okay, this was starting to sound like a really bad idea.

« - Okay... Errrrr... I'll just take a salad, then...

- Okay ! Wun mushrum salad on the go ! »


	49. Chainsaw good !

In the kitchen, the atmosphere was really tense. Dozens upon dozens of Burger Marines were working in order to provide the meals their customers were ordering... And the Astartes were obviously in a rush for cooking everything.

« Brothers ! Screamed one of the Marines. I need a chainsword for cutting up our stacks of meat ! »

He quickly got the tool he needed. But other screams could be heard in the kitchen.

« - Brothers ! Where did we put the chainknives ? Those steaks need to be cut !

- Over here ! Said one of the burger flippers. But I would need one of the chainspatulas !

- They're being washed ! Use one of the chainspoons instead !

- But I can't flip a burger with a chainspoon !

- You'll have to improvise, brother ! We have bigger problems around here ! »

One of the Marines at the counter turned to his brothers, in the back.

« - Brothers ! If nobody gives us the chainstraws in the minute, we won't be able to serve milkshakes anymore !

- The Emperor protects ! We cannot allow this ! Hup ! Go fetch the chainstraws in the back ! You'll find them with the chainforks for our salads ! »

The young scout ran away for finding what his cooking brothers needed, which didn't take him too long. However, as he was performing his duty, a strange question started to form in his head. There were unfortunately far too many problems to solve immediately for asking it at the moment. He thought he'd just have to wait for the situation to calm down a bit.

And calmed down it finally did, after the rush hour was passed. There were still numerous customers coming in for ordering, but nothing too serious for the Burger Marines. So, as he thought the moment was good, Hup went to brother Wopper.

« - Excuse me, brother ?

- Yes ? What is it, young Hup ?

- This may sound silly, but... Don't you think we're overdoing that whole chainsaw thing ? »

If the dreadnought still had eyes, Hup would have surely noticed the strange look his elder was giving to him.

« I have no idea what you're talking about. »

Hup wanted to clarify what he was asking, but just at this moment, one of his cooking brother called him.

« Quetsch ! There are customers who have meat stuck in their teeth ! Could you bring the chaintoothpicks, please ? »


	50. Lasguns are cheap, okay ?

The meal was uneventful for the Fire Warriors, as they just ate their orders while chatting about various subjects and gossips. However, when it came to the dessert, one of the Tau looked intensely at his donuts. His friends quickly noticed his strange behaviour.

« -Hey, what's wrong, pal ?

- Oh nothing... I just noticed something weird about those donuts...

- What exactly ?

- Well... They look different. You know, usually, they're baked in a way that they're always in the form of a circle, right ? Well, those ones look like they made a hole in the middle of a bun and then rebaked the inner side... »

The other Fire Warriors took a closer look at their friend's food. They had to admit, there were some truth in what he was saying.

« - Hey, you're right. That's weird. Do they taste bad ?

- No... They're quite okay.

- Yeah... Well, I guess it's just that those Burger Marines do it differently than the others. Stop asking yourself so many questions. »

* * *

><p><p>

_Meanwhile, at the Donut Baking Facility..._

« FIRE ! »

The scouts shot in perfect unison with their sniper rifles. Once the way was clear, their instructor inspected their targets.

Perfect. His pupils had shot the buns exactly in the middle, leaving a perfectly clear hole in the middle, with the edge already rebaked thanks to the laser rays.

Wait. No, it wasn't perfect.

« - Scout Saltan Pepah ! Correct your aim, your hole is one centimeter away from the middle of the target !

- I'm sorry, sir ! It won't happen again, sir ! »

The instructor looked again at his pupils, before turning to the servants on the side of the shooting range.

« Okay, bring the other round ! We have a thousand more to hole before noon ! »


	51. Lollipop has two l

There once was a young Eldar child, barely 300 years old, who once went to the nearest Burger Marines'. His parents gave him a Kiddimperial box. And inside of it, with the burger, the fries and his icecream, was a lollipop. The Eldar took it, curious, and began to ask questions to the other Eldar on the table.

« Mister Death Jester, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop ? »

The Death Jester looked at the young Eldar, visibly not expecting this question. He, however quickly managed to formulate an answer... If not an indecisive one.

« I never made it to the center without biting. Ask Eldrad Ulthran. »

And lo and behold, Eldrad Ulthran was indeed in the same restaurant, eating in a table near them. The young Eldar walked to him and tapped on the shoulder of the most powerful Farseer who ever existed in the universe. Eldrad turned to look at the young intruder.

« Mister Ulthran, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop ? »

Eldrad stood silent for a second... Before smiling mischievously.

« Let's find out. »

Before the young Eldar could react, Eldrad took the lollipop from his hand, unwrapped it, and licked it.

« One. »

Eldrad licked it a second time.

« Two. »

He did it a third time.

« Three. »

Suddenly, Eldrad ate the rest of the lollipop in one bite. As he finished swallowing it, he gave the stick back to the young Eldar, doing his best for not laughing like a lunatic as he did so.

« Three ! »

The young Eldar looked at what was left of his lollipop, before sighing in disgust.

« What a dick. »


	52. First impressions always count

It had been quite an adventure for Carterponder and Wiztchiz. The disappearance of a Warp storm made a few imperial astronomers realize that a small planet had been hidden from the rest of the galaxy since the emergence of the Imperium. The Burger Marines quickly sent the twins, who were their most respected diplomats, for investigating the planet and his possible inhabitants.

And inhabitants they found. The two Burger Marines, aboard their shuttle, were travelling back to the _Slice of Cheddar_, the cruiser that had been assignated to them for this mission.

« - Frankly, brother, this had been quite educationnal, said Carterponder.

- Quite.

- Really nice fellows. Sure, they're still filthy xenos, but I must admit, they're far from being the most despicable the Imperium has ever met.

- Indeed. As soon as we set a foot on their planet, they immediately welcomed us. And with quite ceremonials !

- Yes ! Have you noticed how well behaved they all were ? As if they knew there were other species in the galaxy and had been rehearsing how to welcome people from other planets !

- That what I thought, too. Frankly they did their best for impressing us. »

Silence followed for a few seconds.

« - The one who was always accompanying the leader... You think it was a priest ? Asked Wiztchiz.

- I don't know, really. An advisor, in any case. Too bad their language is unknown. Well, this part was predictable, at least...

- Well, they sure made their best efforts for not letting us be lost.

- Oh, definitely. They made it easy to understand their intentions. »

Another little moment of silence.

« - And their culture ! Everything indicated they were quite sophisticated !

- Oh yes ! Their music, their jeweleries, their clothing, their architectures... All of it was xeno, but it is clear at first sight that we're not dealing with barbarians. But in contrary of the Eldar, they never seemed to rub their culture on our face.

- Yeah, I never had the impression they were trying to impress us or show that they were superior to us. That sure was pleasant. »

Once again, the twins stood silent for a few seconds.

« - And they tasted delicious !

- Oh Warp yeah ! We TOTALLY have to ask the Adeptus Gastronomicus to make new meals out of them ! »


	53. How Wopper got his groove back part 1

It looked just like another day at the restaurant. Everybody was accomplishing their duties, everybody was at their places. Just like always, brother Wopper was at the grill, flipping burgers with his unmatched mastery.

Until Sunh Dey, a Burger Marine who had recently been transferred to this restaurant after he had finished his training as a scout, went to the dreadnought.

« - Brother Wopper ?

- Yes, brother ?

- We have some trouble at the friers. Some of our brothers had to leave for dealing with some pest infestations in the underground levels. I think they will be gone for a while. Your team seems to be doing good with the grills ; would you mind helping us at the friers ? »

The dreadnought froze in place. It was particularly difficult to read his thoughts, as his condition prevented anybody from seeing his face, but his sudden change of attitude was enough for making the other Burger Marines notice something was odd. Dey, however, wasn't in the restaurant long enough for understanding there was a trouble.

« The... Friers ? »

Dey still managed to perceive the slight worried tone of the dreadnought. He frowned, but didn't really think that he should change the subject.

« Well, yeah. We could use your knowledge. So, want to join us ? »

Wopper didn't answer. He stood perfectly still for a few seconds.

Now, there were more Burger Marines who noticed the strange behaviour of their elder. Many stopped working for looking what was going on.

And then, Wopper started to shake.

Now, Dey and the other Marines were really starting to be worried. Especially as his shaking just kept on increasing in intensity. A few Marines started to run out of the kitchen for alerting their captain.

Wopper suddenly broke the silence.

« THE EMPEROR PROTECTS ! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! »

Wopper began to run. And nothing could stop him. Dey barely managed to jump on the side, narrowly avoiding getting crushed by the dreadnought, but all the equipments and infrastructures behind him weren't that lucky. Be they cooking equipments, counters, walls, or pillars, nothing seemed to be able to stop the dreadnought who was running forward, leaving a trail of destruction behind him. Wopper quickly got out of the kitchen in this manner, but going deeper inside the vast training chambers behind the restaurant didn't seem to slow him down, as Dey could still hear him trampling and screaming in the distance.

Dey slowly got up, wondering what the warp exactly happened. As he turned to ask his brothers if they had any clue about what could have caused this, he noticed that captain Kayeff See had joined his brothers, and was examining the destruction with a particularly worried face. He then stared at Sunh Dey.

« Brother, we have to talk. » Said the captain.


	54. How Wopper got his groove back part 2

« You asked him to help you at the friers ! »

See immediately buried his face in his hands. Dey was completely lost about the reason of the captain's despair, but he didn't feel like asking. It was the first time he was in See's office, and he would have preferred it to be in different circumstances.

« - Right... Said See as he stopped looking despaired. We cannot really blame you. We should have told you about brother Wopper's... Unique predicament.

- Hum... Excuse me for asking, brother captain, but... What predicament ? »

See looked at the Burger Marine in front of him, before standing up and starting to walk aimlessly in his office, his hands in his back. He had a story to tell, so he needed to get in the mood.

« What I'm about to tell you is passed on to every new generation of Burger Marines working here, for warning them of being careful about the way they handle brother Wopper. As you may imagine, Wopper hasn't always been a dreadnought. 2000 years ago, when this restaurant got opened, he got transferred here for forming the youngest recruits. He was – and still is – the best burger flipper in the history of our chapter. He had an extraordinary sixth sense that allowed him to know at the precise second when a burger was perfectly done : not too raw, not too grilled. And he had developped a wonderful technique for optimizing the flipping of burgers : not a single loss of fat and savour during this critical phase. He has formed thousands of Marines in this holy duty, but none could ever compare to him. He was greatly respected in this restaurant and all throughout the chapter. He was destined to become the new captain of this restaurant. Some even saw him as a potential Chapter Master. »

See stopped in his tale, just long enough for letting a sigh slip out of his lips.

« And one day... One day like today, when the brothers serving at the friers were overwhelmed by the demand, he immediately proposed to give a hand to his cooking brothers. »

By the tone his captain used, Dey immediately understood the real problems started on this day.

« - What happened exactly ?

- The details are... Sketchy. It's as if... Every witnesses decided to forget those events as fast as they could. The last person who could describe what happened this day is Wopper himself, and as you can guess after today's tantrum, it would not be wise to ask him. The best we could learn was that somehow, he angered the machine spirit of one of the friers. Which... Acted violently. »

Dey stood silent. This... Was becoming really strange.

« When the frier got finally subdued by the Marines of this time, Wopper was left broken and horribly mutilated. He was deemed far too valuable for the chapter for being lost, so he got incarcerated in a life support coffin and got turned into a dreadnought. He quickly got used to his new condition, and actually never felt any contempt for it, as it still allowed him to continue serving our chapter. But since that day... Any mention of the friers is forbidden around him. The burger grills and the friers got displaced, each one sitting on each side of the kitchens, for allowing as few contacts as possible between those two sectors. For whenever the friers get mentionned near Wopper, he enters a state of frenzy and tries to run away from them as far as possible, causing much destruction. »

Now, Dey was feeling bad. He could see where he goofed up now, and he was starting to feel pity towards his elder. But this also caused him to think about a way to redeem himself. As he caused Wopper to get in such a state... He'd do anything in his power for making the dreadnought recover. That's the least he could do.

There was still one last question he wanted to ask.

« And what about the frier that attacked him ? »

See looked at the Burger Marine with concerned eyes.

« It got... Disposed of. »

* * *

><p><p>

_Meanwhile on Mars..._

Two magos of the Adeptus Mechanicus were walking down a hallway, way beneath the surface.

« - Hey, man, what's behind this door ?

- Hmm ? A frier, according to the records. Got brought here by the Burger Marines a few centuries ago. »

The first techpriest took a good look at the door. It was made of a particularly solid alloy of adamantine and ceramite, certainly a few feet wide. Dozens upon dozens of sacred seals were glued onto it, and the lock seemed to have been welded, for making sure that nobody would ever try to open it.

« Really ? All this for a frier ? What's so special about it ? »

It's at this moment that... _Something_ crashed unto the door, from the other side. The noise caused by the shock echoed through the hallway, quickly followed by the sounds of chains clanking, still coming from the room behind the door.

An inhuman cackling followed. No living creatures from this universe could have done such a chilling sound.

The two techpriests looked at the door for a few seconds.

« On a second thought, I don't want to know. Let's get out of here. »


	55. How Wopper got his groove back part 3

Brother Wopper took a good look at the landscape around him. He was standing on the top of a mountain, towering deserted lands. He could see a grey mist slowly envelopping the valley beneath. Apart from a few trees and from the grass all around them, there didn't seem to be a single life form. It was quite a relaxing sight, actually.

And an extremely boring one.

« So why did you bring me here, brother ? »

Dey was finishing pulling the cart he had taken with him to the top of the mountain. Something quite massive was installed in it, but Dey had covered it with a thick piece of cloth.

« - We're here for your reeducation, brother.

- Reeducation ?

- Yes. Brother Captain See explained your situation to me. And as I feel a bit guilty for having brought it out, I 've decided to help you to get over your fear ! »

Wopper tried to turn as fast as he could for maximizing the dramatic effect of his indignation, but his mass wasn't really allowing to do this.

« - My what ! I might be a dreadnought, but I am before all a Space Marine ! I shall know...

- … No fear, I know, I know. Think of it as some kind of... Whatever the Blood Angels sometimes go through. Only... You know... Triggered by...

- By what ? »

Dey decided to end right there. Maybe going a bit carefully would be the best thing to do.

« Anyway, first, I want you to remember a moment in your life where you felt you were all powerful and invincible. Can you envision one ? »

Wopper seemed to go into sleep... But it was actually his way to truly think of an appropriate moment. And soon... He found one.

« - Yes... I do remember one... It was during the fall of Damnos... I had been stuck on the planet with the defenders. I was enrolled in a tour for promoting our restaurants. And while the Necrons were destroying everything around us... I was tasked with feeding the Guardsmen and our fellow Space Marines.

- And... How did it go ?

- The reserves were scarce... I had to work with a failing equipment... Around us, our defenses were getting annihilated, and I had to constantly be on the move... And yet, all this time, I flipped and cooked burgers without stopping. No matter how many Necrons were attacking, no matter how many of our brethens would be killed around me... Nothing could have stopped me. I continued bringing them their food, giving them the strength to hold on. Even as I boarded in the last shuttle, I still continued to make burgers with a portable stove. This... This was the most intense cooking moment of my entire career. And that day... That day, I... I truly felt worthy of the Emperor ! »

Dey applauded as he got closer to the little cart he had taken with him.

« Wonderful, brother ! Wonderful ! Now, listen carefully... I want you to think you're back on Damnos... That once again, you're reviving your moment of glory... That moment you felt you could conquer all... »

Wopper nodded, as best as his form could allow it. Dey saw the mass of the dreadnought ondulate, as if it was breathing deeply... His elder really was making an intense effort for meditating. He waited a few seconds before moving on.

« - Are you ready ?

- Yes, brother. I don't know what you're intending to do, but... I am ready !

- Alright ! »

Dey pulled the cloth out of the cart... Revealing the frier it had been hiding all this time.

He turned away to look at the dreadnought...

Who was already almost at the base of the mountain, running.

« THE EMPEROR PROTECTS ! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! »

Dey suddenly felt very, very tired.

« This is going to take longer than I thought... »


	56. How Wopper got his groove back part 4

The following days were spent reinforcing the dreadnought's reinsurance.

Dey indeed had produced quite a complex training program for putting Wopper back into shape. During hours, Dey made Wopper go all throughout the physical training of a scout, while giving the best pieces of advice that had been written over the millenia by the most respected Space Marines of the Imperium, especially all the maxims and allegories about the invincible courage of the Space Marines.

The tasks were extremely diverse. Wopper had to run as fast as his mechanical limbs allowed him to do so while carrying gigantic elongated boulders, specifically shaped the bags of french fries the Burger Marines had to carry. He had to make genuflexions while flipping burgers. He had to lift steel blocks from tiny handles, mimicking the movements made by their brothers tasked with handling the friers. He had to use his flamethrower for burning the paper wrap around a straw without making it melt.

And after days upon days of intensive training, Dey thought he would be ready.

« - How do you feel, brother ? Asked Dey.

- Stronger than ever ! Replied the dreadnought, in a booming voice.

- What is your purpose ?

- To serve the best food in the universe, in the glorious name of the God-Emperor of Mankind !

- Will anything divert you from your goal ?

- No !

- Will anything strike fear in your heart ?

- No !

- Why ?

- Because I am a Space Marine ! »

This sounded good. Now...

« - And what will you do the next time you will be asked to work at the friers ?

- I will take my duty, and conquer my rage ! I will not be brought down by some nonsentient tool !

- Are you ready to cook thousands upon thousands of french fries ?

- I am !

- Are you !

- I AM !

- ARE YOU !

- YES ! »

Dey nodded. His job here was done.

« - Then your reeducation is complete, my brother. Now is time for you to get back where you belong : in the kitchens of our glorious restaurant ! So that your destiny would be fulfilled !

- Yes, brother ! »

Wopper, however, raised his claw. Dey lifted an eyebrow. That was unexpected. He hoped it wasn't anything bad.

« - I just have a question, though.

- Ask, brother.

- Why did you play this CD all this time ? »

Dey gave a look at the CD player that he had brought with him as he started Wopper's training. Now that he was thinking about it, he never turned it off. It was still blaring the same song it did during all this time.

_You're the best!  
>Around!<br>Nothing's gonna ever keep you down  
>You're the Best!<br>Around!  
>Nothing's gonna ever keep you down<br>You're the Best!  
>Around!<br>Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own !_

Dey pressed the off button.

« Ah, sorry. T'was just in case we made a training montage... » 


	57. How Wopper got his groove back part 5

« Is he cured ? »

Dey nodded to give an answer to Kayeff See. The broad smile on the Burger Marine's face was already enough of an indication, but the captain still felt he had to ask.

« - Oh, yes, brother captain ! Brother Wopper is now free of his fears !

- I would love to believe you, but... We're talking a thousands of years long phobia ! It just doesn't disappear that easily !

- For a normal human, no... But brother Wopper is still a Space Marine ! Properly guided, he found back the light of the God-Emperor and finally discarded what had been plaguing him all this time ! »

See looked away. Yes, that sounded great, but he still had a weird feeling about the whole thing.

« - Still...

- Look, brother-captain, I told you, he left his fear of friers behind him. Right before bringing him back here, I made him cook a few french fries. And he made them without flipping out or anything. He's cured, I swear it ! »

The Burger Marines' captain took a few seconds for processing those last words. He made french fries ! If Sunh Dey wasn't lying, then those were wonderful news !

« - Alright, then ! I guess that settles it ! Where's brother Wopper now ? I want to see his progress with my own eyes !

- I knew you'd ask this, so I asked him to work at the friers. He should be... »

An explosion behind Dey stopped him right as he was about to finish his sentence. Surprised, the two Burger Marines looked at each other, before running in the direction of the commotion.

When they arrived, they could see Wopper standing atop the broken remains of the friers. The other Burger Marines had fled from the scene, seeking shelter. The dreadnought had replaced one of his claws with an assault cannon that he was firing wildly in the air.

« I AM VICTORIOUS ! Screamed Wopper, still unaware of the arrival of his captain. I HAVE TRIUMPHED OVER THE MALEVOLENCE OF THOSE HERETICAL MACHINES ! LOOK AT ME, SPAWNS OF THE WARP, AND DESPAIR, FOR WOPPER THE RELENTLESS WILL BRING YOUR DOOM ! »

See and Dey stood silent for a few seconds, but then, the captain turned to face his subordinate. The look of absolute anger in See's eyes and the steam coming out of his ears worried Dey a little bit.

« Brother... Said See with a chillingly calm tone. We need to talk... »


	58. Puppy eyed killing machine

The Overlord and the Crytek were simply sitting, enjoying their meals... When a massive shadow got cast over them. As they turned around, they could see a Burger Marine, wearing a Terminator armour, looking at them.

« Question : Can I help you ? »

As he was speaking, the Overlord was slowly moving his hand towards his Lightstaff.

« Is this Wraith yours ? » Asked the Burger Marine, pointing to something behind his back.

As they looked in the direction the Astartes was showing them, they could see other Marines dragging a Wraith with them. The Necron machine had a strange collar around its neck that, as far as the Crytek could understand, was suppressing the Wraith's ability to phase out.

« - Affirmation : Yes, it's ours, replied the Crytek. But where did you find it ? I let it in the Monolith !

- We found it phasing through our reserves' walls for stealing our meat, replied the Burger Marine. Good thing one of our scouts saw it and immediately warned us. »

The other Burger Marines threw the Wraith at the Necrons' feet. The machine peeked a look at its masters, but immediately curled in a ball, whimpering pathetically.

« Angry reaction : Bad Wraith ! Said the Overlord, as he started beating the machine with its Lightstaff. Bad ! How many times will we have to tell you, you wait until we have eaten for getting your meal ! »

The Burger Marines were already starting to get back to their duties, but the one wearing the Terminator armour stayed a bit longer behind for dealing with the customers.

« - Listen, I won't tell you to get out of here, but pets aren't allowed in this restaurant, especially when they start messing around...

- Apologies : Sorry for the inconvenience, human, replied the Crytek. We're going to take care of this. »

The Necrons got out of their seats, dragging the still whimpering Wraith with them. As they were reaching the restaurant's exit, the Overlord angrily turned to the Crytek.

« - Annoyance : I swear, this runt of yours is only bringing us trouble !

- Resigned affirmation : Yeah, I know, but look at how sorry he is... He looked so desperate when I found it at the pound ! »


	59. Blame Linkara for this

Everybody was calmly having their meal in the restaurant that day... Until a drop pod crashed in the parking lot. A dark drop pod, decorated with plenty of spikes and unholy hyeroglyphs... And it opened up for letting Abaddon the Despoiler out.

« Aaaah! Screamed the leader of the Black Legion. After ten thousand years I'm free ! It's time to conquer Terra ! »

At first, a little bit of panic spread across the restaurant... But then the inquisitor Zordon stepped forward.

« - Alpha, Abaddon has escaped ! Said the inquisitor to the servoskull that was following him. Bring me a team of warriors with attitude !

- You mean Space Marines ! Replied the servoskull. Ay ay ay ! »

A Blood Angel suddenly dropped next to the Inquisitor and took a fighting stance.

« Red Marine ! »

An Ultramarine quickly joined him.

« Blue Marine ! »

A Black Templar fell from the higher floors, and joined his battle brothers.

« Black Marine ! »

Jumping out of a Rhino, an Imperial Fist quickly joined with the others.

« Yellow Marine ! »

And finally, a member of the Emperor's Children got out of the crowd and placed himself next to the others. Who looked at him with awkward stares. The Chaos Marine soon realized the confusion of the loyalists.

« Hey, you need a Pink Marine, yes or no ? »

The other Space Marines stood silent for a few seconds, before collectively shrugging. The five Marines then stroke a pose, as if they had rehearsed some strange choregraphy before.

« GO GO POWER MARINES ! »

Far behind, the brother captain Kayeff See silently observed the group... Before calling one of his subordinate.

« - Hey, Macrrap !

- Yes, brother captain ?

- Fetch me our standard partnership contracts ! We have to licence them for the toys we put in the Kiddimperial boxes ! »

_Fun fact : I wrote this chapter while listening to Endoh Masaaki's version of the Power Rangers' theme song. Look for it, it's awesome._


	60. And yet, no tipping

The loading door of the Valkyrie opened up as it was approaching its target. A powerful wind started to blow inside the ship, as they were still thousands of feet in the air. This didn't seem to incommodate the Burger Marine in the slightest. He simply checked if the box he was carrying was well locked, and if his jetpack was properly fixed on his back, before walking to the exit.

« Are you sure this is the only way ? » Asked the pilot to the Marine, on his personal radio.

« There is no other. » Simply replied the Astartes. He looked down. Way, way below him, a Titan was slaughtering an Ork horde. He could see the explosions caused by the xeno vehicles being blown up by the gigantic machine's weapons.

« FOR THE EMPEROR ! »

The Burger Marine jumped.

The fall lasted several minutes. On his way down, the Marine used his jetpack for maneuvering, trying to aim for the Titan. It wasn't easy ; he had to dodge artillery, Ork choppers, and Shockboyz... But he continued without any hesitation. His aim seemed to be perfect, though : he landed exactly next to a maintenance shaft on the metallic behemoth, using the last reserves of his jetpack for slowing down his fall. He still hit the hull pretty hard, but he stood up without any harm. After having checked if his package hadn't suffered from the fall, the Marine knocked at the door.

When it opened up, he got greeted by the gigantic barrel of a meltagun. Not really surprising. He was arriving in the middle of a battle, after all.

« Techpriest Henjin Hoyl ? »

A human face, half covered with cybernetics, appeared behind the meltagun. As the Marine could finally distinguish the red robe the wielder of the weapon was wearing, said man could also see he was facing a Space Marine, which seemed to ease him a litle bit as he stopped waving his weapon.

« I'll go get him. », replied the man, before getting back inside.

The Space Marine patiently waited. Around him, the explosions didn't seem to quiet down, but he didn 't pay attention.

Finally, another techpriest appeared at the door, even more cybernetized than the previous one.

« I am Hoyl, said the Adeptus Mechanicus priest. What do you want ? »

The Marine simply handed him the package.

« Here's your delivery, sir : an extra large menu with a Meat Titan, a Vulkan Cola and a Sundae. Sorry for the delay, I had to requisition a Valkyrie. »

A bit surprised, the Techpriest paid his order nonetheless. The Space Marine simply took the money and walked to the edge of the Titan's hull.

« - Hey, wait a second ! Said the techpriest, still holding his order. Are you going to go ?

- Oh, I'll find a way. »

The Burger Marine looked a bit over the edge of the Titan... And jumped. Before the techpriest could run to see what happened to him, he saw a Shockboy emerge in his line of sight... With the Marine clinging on him. After a brief struggle, the Marine managed to detach the rocket from the Ork's back, sending the xeno to its death hundreds of feet below, before strapping it on his own back and getting away from the battle field.

The techpriest stood silent for a few seconds, before heading back to the safety of the Titan.

« Sometimes, I have the feeling they do too much... »


	61. Maybe with a sonic screwdriver

See jumped over the counter just before it exploded. A little more running, and he got near a squad commanded by Menyu the librarian, who was shouting orders. Just like every other Burger Marine officer, he quickly took command when the restaurant got attacked. The purpose of their chapter was maybe to serve food and to cook, but when they had to fight, their Space Marine inheritance was instantly kicking in.

« - Menyu ! Report !

- Our opponents are pinning us down ! Shouted the Librarian. Our regular weapons aren't very efficient against them, only heavy weapons seem to get past their force fields, but we're short of them !

- You're gonna have to wait a bit longer for them ; they're trying to get into the loading bay and to seize some of our ships for taking flight ! »

A laser beam shot the wall just behind See, missing the captain's head by a few inches. See retaliated by shooting his opponent with his plasma cannon. As strong as was the opponents' force field, it was too much for it to handle and the monstrosity immediately exploded.

« Dammit ! Shouted Menyu. I've been in battles against Orks, Daemons and Necrons, but those monsters are even more persistent ! »

See gritted his teeth. That whole situation was absolutely ridiculous. It all happened because of some smartass wanting to show off...

« If I ever catch the brilliant mind who decided to build automated salt shakers for us... »

The wall behind See exploded, as some of their opponents decided to flank them and to get rid of all the obstacles in their way. The captain and the librarian quickly saw their opponents get past the rubbles... Or rather float over them. Those salt shakers lacked limbs, of course, but they had antigrav propulsors that were more than making up for it. Also, besides their laser weapons sticking out of their hulls, they had a plunger-like appendice, and another one that obviously served as a sensor.

« EXTERMINATE ! EXTERMINATE ! EXTERMINATE ! »


	62. If it's broken, don't fix it

Kayeff See was starting to really lose his patience. He had been waiting next to the broken grill for one hour now, and despite his calls, no Adeptus Mechanicus priest had shown up yet.

« - The Emperor protects ! Said See, finally snapping. Why is this taking so long ? We have several techpriests at our disposal !

- They're all busy with other tasks, replied the Chief Cook Tchikken Whing. They all deem that they can't abandon their duties.

- That's insane ! We're almost at rush hour, and one of our grills is broken ! How is this not an emergency !

- Who knows, with the Mechanicus. But we found a replacement.

- Which one ? »

Just as Whing was about to answer, a Mekboy entered in the kitchen, carrying his tools, in particularly an oversized wrench. See looked at the Ork with an inquisitive look.

« - Am 'ere, humie, said the Mekboy, before pointing at the grill. Iz dat wot ah must fix ?

- Yes, precisely. »

The Mekboy nodded, came closer to the grill, looked at it intensely, and then started to work on it. By smashing it with his wrench.

As the Mekboy was working, See whispered in Whing's ear.

« - Are you sure that's a good idea, brother ? We're letting a xeno touch a holy piece of equipment...

- We don't really have the choice, I'm afraid. As you said, the rush hour is near, so we had to find a solution, and quickly. »

It didn't take too long for the Ork to finish his work... Even though, as he backed away from the grill, the machine seemed to have sent through a giant grinder before somebody decided to cobble random plates of steel on it.

« Dun ! »

See was less than impressed by the Ork's work, but he still activated the grill. After a few seconds, he had to admit that he could feel the heat coming out of the grilling plate. The brother-captain took a steak and posed it on the grill ; it started to get cooked, just as anybody would expect from a functionning grill.

« - Well, it sure looks like it's working. How much do you want ?

- Dat will be fifty tiff, humie.

- Mmh. Alright, we'll get you that. »

However, Whing noticed something that his captain missed.

« Wait a second... What's that big red button labelled SDH ? »

The Mekboy shrugged as an answer.

« 'A hunno. »

Right. Whing remembered that Mekboyz don't really know what they do until they finish and test their creations. By curiosity, the Chief Cook pressed the button.

The grill immediately deployed spider-like mechanical legs, before a huge gatling gun and a massive buzzsaw shot out of its sides.

And a pair of speakers appeared on top of the grill.

« STOMP DA HUMIE ! STOMP DA HUMIE ! »

The grill started to shoot at the Burger Marines working in the kitchen. Whing and See quickly backed away and took cover, and it didn't take long for the other Astartes to imitate their superiors' reaction, as the machine started to walk away, blasting every living thing it was spotting and trying to cut them in two with its buzzsaw.

The only one who was staying where he was and was still calm was the Mekboy.

« Ah. Dat's wot it duz. »


	63. And the Darwin award goes to

Bekon waited for the Incubus to leave before greeting the next customer. He quickly noticed that he seemed to be quite nervous, and was hiding something under his jacket, but it didn't particularly fazed him.

« What will it be, sir ? »

Just as he was facing the Burger Marine, the man suddenly pulled a laspistol out of his jacket and started to threaten Bekon.

« Shut up, smartass ! Give me the cash, now ! »

Bekon gave a quick look at the gun, surprised, but he quickly regained his composure and continued to stare at the robber without being the least bit afraid.

« - Sir, I cannot do that. And that would be a bad idea for you to go on. May I...

- I said shut the frak up ! Screamed the robber. Give me the frakking money !

- Once again, I have to tell you... »

The robber, most certainly fed up with the Astartes' lack of cooperation, didn't let Bekon finish his sentence. He pulled the trigger.

And the laser beam bounced off Bekon's helmet.

The robber looked at the Astartes in disbelief. Bekon didn't even seem to have noticed he fired at him.

« - Sir, I don't like to brag... But you didn't really think you could hurt a Space Marine with this thing, did you ?

- Don't... Don't touch me, you freak !

- I won't, sir. It would be a violation of our principles. Besides, I won't have to. You are annoying our other customers. »

Suddenly feeling he really got himself in very, very big trouble, the robber turned his head and looked at all the other customers. Space Marines. Chaos Marines. Ork Nobz. A Tyranid Hive Tyrant. A Necron Lord and his Lych Guards. He could even see an avatar of Khaine in the lot. And they were all looking at him with angry eyes, while getting their weapons out.

Panicked, the robber grabbed some female customer who was waiating in the lane next to him, and he put his gun on her temple.

« Any of you move, and I fry her brain ! »

Well, the customers did stop. But not because of his threat, apparently. They were all rather unimpressed by his performance. The Nobz were even snickering.

Big drops of sweat were starting to form on the robber's forehead.

« Er, sir ? Said Bekon, in his back. You do realize you're trying to take a Daemonette hostage, right ? »

The robber's eyes widened. He finally took a good look at his « victim ».

The Daemonette smiled at him in a way that showed all her pointy, sharp teeth.

The robber only had time to scream before the Daemonette started to enjoy herself.

Bekon was looking at the scene with an impassive look. He then turned to the rest of the customers and shouted for trying to get heard over the robber's screams of agony.

« For those who are interested, the bucket of pop-corn costs 3 credits ! »

Inspired by a suggestion in the review section by S058, back in december. « Credit where it's due », you know.


	64. Cronenberg moment

« I'm telling you, you are trying to poison your customers ! »

Kayeff See was trying to stay as civil as possible, but he sure wasn't liking the Kroot's tone very much. The Xeno started to cause some commotion in the restaurant's main room, demanding to meet him as fast as possible. For the sake of the other customers' well being, the Burger Marine captain finally agreed, but it didn't take him long to realize this would be pretty annoying.

« - I'll have to ask you to calm down a little bit and to explain to me more precisely what's your problem.

- My problem is that you're lying about what you use for your food ! It is a miracle there hadn't been a massive intoxication with what you put in your burgers ! »

See started to look outraged. This was one thing to not be satisfied with their products, but this Xeno was insulting their recipes.

« I beg your pardon ! The Burger Marines use the finest ingredients there are ! We make all we can for getting the sanest food possible, and this has been the case for millenia ! And our burgers are made with fine specimens of ambulls and chicken, specially raised for our needs ! »

The Kroot leaned himself to get closer to the Astartes' face. He wasn't looking intimated at all.

« - Ambulls, you say ?

- Exactly !

- You do know that we Kroots take some characteristics of whatever we eat, right ?

- Yes. What about that ? »

The Kroot pointed something behind him.

« Then how do you explain that my friend turned into this after taking the first bite of his burger ? »

See looked at the Kroot's friend... Well, what could have been his friend. It was now a pulsating mass of flesh, grotesquely deformed to a nauseating point. Some parts here and there were indicating that, once, this thing was a Kroot, but it could as well have been a bird, a lizard, an octopus or a bull for all the claws, feathers, scales, horns and limbs that were growing out of the mass. The most worrying part was what looked like a human arm sprouting out of the thing's back.

« Kill... Me... » Stuttered the beast with its dozens of mouths and beaks.

See simply shrugged.

« Well, we put all those disclaimers on our Tzeentchian Burgers for a reason... »


	65. Dun dun dun !

« 10 billion burgers !? »

Kayeff See looked at the order again, to see if he had misread the mail he had received, but no, the number of zeros on the order was exactly what he saw at first. Tchikken Whing, who had brought him the mail, nodded with a resigned face.

« - What does it mean ? I could have understood if this was coming from Tyranids, but this is a fairly small human settlement ! Did they all suddenly crave for our recipes or something ?

- They're facing one big problem, brother-captain, replied the Chief Cook.

- Which one ?

- Shortage of food. »

See raised an eyebrow.

« - Usually, they're getting their food from nearby agricultural worlds... Explained Whing. But it looks like every single ship that tried to reach them recently disappeared in the Warp.

- What, all of them ?

- All of them.

- What makes them think that we would be able to deliver them anything ?

- That's the other strange thing. They noticed that while every ship carrying food for them was disappearing, ours still manage to reach them : every time they order something from our restaurants, they have no problems being delivered. As it seems we're the only ones who are able to deliver anything, they've turned to us. It's this or starving to death. »

The Burger Marines captain took another look at the order before getting back to Whing. All this was oddly convenient...

« - Not that I'm complaining that we're getting new customers... But all this looks a bit contrived. I wonder... If this is not some kind of scheme...

- Oh please, brother-captain ! Who would be mad enough to do this ? »

Somewhere... In a former Inquisitorial ship, drifting in the Warp...

Quiljoy the First kneeled before his new master. His dead eyes were staring at the floor before him as he was trying to avoid the gaze of his lord. A strange sigil, symbolizing a crowned burger, had been carved on his forehead.

« - How are things evolving, Quiljoy ?

- So far, the results are promising, master. You were right in your predictions : the combination of your sorcery with the Gellar Field Suppressor we have developped is disturbing the defenses of every ship coming near the planet, except those transporting Burger Marines food. They are already forced to only import their burgers, if they want to survive. Our scientists are already working on a way to expand the area of effect of the suppressor. »

The King, sitting on his throne, leaned forward.

« Excellent... »

_Holy crap. Two months and a half since the last update. This calls for an explanation._

_Basically, several things got in the way of this fanfic :_

_Work getting frantic just before the summer vacations (I work in the education), leaving me mentally exhausted at the end of the day._

_Chronic depression kicking in (« I SUCK ! EVERYTHING I DO IS WORTHLESS ! WHY SHOULD I CONTINUE ! » and all that emo crap)_

_HUGE writer block which I haven't fully recovered from_

_Spending the holidays in places completely devoid of any kind of internet connexions (yes, such places still exist)_

_Skyrim (damn you Bethesda)_

_So there. I'll try to take back the pace from now on._

_See you soon._


	66. There's none made by the SquaCRACKVWORP

Menyu took a seat as he entered the great meeting room. As he expected, all the guests were there. Around the table, were gathered a Tau from the Earth Caste, an Eldar who had chosen the Path of the Craftsman, an Ork Mekboy, a Dark Eldar technician, a Chaos warlock and a Tyranid Hive Tyrant. Nobody was missing.

« Greetings, gentlemen, said Menyu. It's a pleasure to see you all here. You already know each other, so how about we immediately jump to the object of this meeting ? »

All the guests nodded.

« Fine. As you know, my chapter is planning on a little marketing stunt. We had the idea of giving a free cup to all our customers who would buy a coffee with a menu. And for celebrating the diversity of our customers, we decided of having each of the cups to be designed by all the different races of this galaxy. »

The Eldar raised his hand.

« - Yes ?

- Excuse me, but why are you saying all this ? We already know this !

- The readers don't. »

The guests looked at each other, confused by the librarian's answer. Before anyone could comment, Menyu immediately switched back to the subject at hand.

« Well, we called you back because, frankly, all the projects of cups you produced for this operation are unsatisfying. Let's review all of them, shall we ? »

The guests, although worried, agreed.

« - Great. First, the Tau cup... We like its design, it is functional, the materials are satisfying...

- So what's the problem with it ? Asked the Earth Caste Tau.

- You turned it into a drone. Sure, having the cup fly to the customer's lips by itself is nice, but the production costs are staggering. We'd like something simpler.

- Fine.

- Now, the Eldar cup...

- I'm not surprised that you Mon'Keigh can't appreciate such a masterpiece, said the Eldar, visibly distraught.

- Oh no no no, we like it... The problem is... Well, none of our psykers could use it without hearing voices insulting them and the rest of mankind. Maybe the materials... ?

- Hey, you're the one who asked something typically Eldar ! And you can't make something more Eldar that something made with wraithbone and decorated with soulsto – you know what, Mon'Keigh ? Maybe you're right. We'll try something else.

- That's very nice of you. Now, the Ork cup...

- Us cup iz foine, said the Mekboy.

- By Ork standards, maybe. But our testers were afraid of getting tetanos just by looking at the thing. And when we poured coffee in it, it leaked from all the holes in it.

- It duzn't do dat wiz da boyz. Iff da humie don't like da cup, we med anover wun !

- Yeah, well, about that second design, you simply looted an Imperial cup. That's orky, but not original enough. »

The Ork grumbled, but despite his ramblings, he still agreed to work on it again.

« - As for the Dark Eldar cup... The design just won't do.

- Oh ? And how so ? Asked the Dark Eldar technician.

- I understand your blade fetish, sir, but our tester lost his hand just by grabbing the thing. And we had to put him out of his misery, what with the poison that was coating it.

- He he he ! Chuckled the Dark Eldar. That must have been fun to watch ! »

The Dark Eldar stopped snickering when he realized that, no, Menyu was't finding this fun.

« - I mean... Sure, we'll change it.

- Good. Now, we're getting to the case of the Chaos cup... And I must tell you, it gave birth to quite a controversy among our services.

- How so ? Asked the Chaos warlock.

- Three things are bothering us. One : there are so many spikes on it, we almost had the same problem than with the previous prototype. Two : it constantly shifts form. That's really annoying, when you're trying to drink from it. And three : was it really necessary to bind a demon to it ?

- It wouldn't be chaotic if it wasn't possessed !

- That's a big no for us. We had to purge the poor schmuck who tried it, for the Emperor's sake !

- Fine, I'll see with my coworkers what we can do... »

Finally, Menyu turned to face the Tyranid.

« And last but not least, the Tyranid cup... I'm really sorry, but at the unanimity, the marketing staff has decided to abandon the idea. »

The Hive Tyrant suddenly stood up, enraged by the decision.

« - What !? That's an outrage ! What's wrong with using our Termagaunts' used shells as cups ?

- EVERYTHING. »


	67. Argument

The Burger Marines had several planets at their disposal. All of them were of course covered in facilities that could have been useful for the Marines' activities, and were all specialized in a way. Holstein Prime was one such planet : its speciality was the breeding and herding of ambulls which would then be used for making the burgers served in the chapter's restaurant. The planet's surface was completely covered with lush grass fields, allowing the beasts to prosper before being brought in the gigantic slaughterhouses the planet was also housing.

Most of the Burger Marines working on the planet were gathered in those slaughterhouses. Which eased the task of the scout who ran into the planet governor's office, obviously panicked.

« - Brother-captain ! This is a catastrophe !

- Calm down, young one, replied the captain. Tell me what is happening.

- A terrible plague, brother ! A pandemic is spreading on the planet, making all our beasts fall ill ! All of them ! They're becoming too fouled for consumption !

- Oh please, young one... As if it stopped us in the past...

- It's also making their meat taste like broccoli. »

This time, the Burger Marine captain rose from his seat.

« This is unacceptable ! We have to stop this ! Do we know what caused this !?

- Well, yes, brother-captain... We found bomb shells on the initial sites of infection. Our biologists determined that those bombs were filled with various germs and bacteries.

- Then this is an attack ! Only one kind of traitor would do such a thing... »

Just at this moment, the captain's communicator started to beep, indicating that somebody was trying to contact him. A bit surprised, he still took the call.

And on the screen, appeared a Marine, clad in a lime green armor. His helmet was adorned with horns, and his pauldron was sporting the symbol of an abundance horn.

« - VEGAN MARINES ! Screamed the Burger Marine captain, enraged.

- Yes, animal executionners ! Said the Vegan Marine. Your cynical rule is going to end ! When we will have finished, you will never be able to make any of those beasts suffer on this planet anymore !

- We'll see about this, heretic scum ! No one angers the Burger Marines and live !

- Spill your hatred as much as you want, but there is nothing you can do ! As your herds are getting poisonned, you cannot use them for making your filthy burgers anymore ! And the galaxy will finally find another way of finding its nutrients, in a way that won't make animals suffer uselessly ! »

The Vegan Marine started to laugh, a dark and twisted laugh that echoed in the office, a laugh that would have chilled the bones of anyone who wouldn't be a Burger Marine. The captain gritted his teeth, his anger reaching immeasurable heights...

Then, something hit him.

« Wait a second... You're trying to make us stop hurting animals by making those same animals suffer ? »

The Vegan Marine kept on laughing, but it quickly withered and died. A few seconds later, he was silently looking at the Burger Marine, suddenly feeling not really at ease.

He then turned to look at some other person offscreen.

« You know, said the Vegan Marine to his invisible colleague, I suddenly have the feeling that we haven't really thought this through... »


	68. Counterargument

The conquest was a complete success. Despite the local PDF efforts, it only was a matter of hours before the Vegan Marines took control of the agricultural world. After all, with their constant war against the Burger Marines, it was becoming more and more difficult for them to find pure and healthy organic vegetables and fruits in the galaxy.

But as they were starting to exploit the plane's ressources...

« BROTHER ! THIS IS HORRIBLE ! »

The dark champion turned and looked at the Chaos Marine who was running at him. It was quite hard to believe, but that servant of the ruinous powers was looking extremely shocked.

« - Calm down and tell me what's happening, brother...

- The crops ! The fields ! They're spoiling ! Everything the soil produced during the last months is rotting and dying ! »

Now those were worrying news.

« - What, on those farms ?

- No ! It's worldwide ! Some infectious agents had been released on this planet's atmosphere and is destroying every single plant on the planet's surface !

- Only the plants !?

- Only them ! The men and the cattle, however, are perfectly fine, but they aren't of any use for us !

- Does it have anything to do with...

- Nurgle cultists ? Nope, no signs of them.

- This is madness ! Who could ever... »

The champion stopped in his tracks. Of course. Who else could it be ?

A cultist suddenly shouted to the Marines.

« My Lords ! A communication from the planet's upper atmosphere is incoming ! »

As soon as the two Marines reached the monitors, the signal passed through... And they immediately recognized from which chapter the loyalist marine who appeared on the screen was from.

« - BURGER MARINES ! Screamed the Vegan Marine champion, enraged.

- Yes, filthy tree huggers ! Said the Burger Marine. Your utopic rule is going to end ! When we will have finished, you will never be able to grow anything on this planet anymore !

- We'll see about this, servant of the false God ! No one angers the Vegan Marines and live !

- Spill your hatred as much as you want, but there is nothing you can do ! As your plants are getting poisonned, you cannot use them for making your disgusting vegetarian dishes ! And the galaxy will finally see the truth and accept the fact that the only way is the meat way ! »

The Burger Marine started to laugh, a booming laugh that echoed in the office, a laugh that could have broken the bones of anyone who wouldn't be a Vegan Marine. The champion gritted his teeth, his anger reaching immeasurable heights...

Then, something hit him.

« Wait a second... You know you were using this planet's vegetables for your salads and for your burgers' recipes, right ? »

The Burger Marine kept on laughing, but it quickly withered and died. A few seconds later, he was silently looking at the Vegan Marine, suddenly feeling not really at ease.

He then turned to look at someone who was certainly standing outside the frame.

« You know, said the Burger Marine to his invisible colleague, I suddenly have the feeling that we haven't really thought this through... »


	69. Synthesis

« - You insufferable animal beater !

- You stuck up tree hugger ! »

The Burger Marine and the Vegan Marine ran into each other earlier that day, as the loyalist wanted to do groceries for his chapter right in the store in front of which the traitor was demonstrating. Since then, it had been nothing but a volley of isults from each side. A lone guardsman was observing the scene, curious about what was going on.

« - One cannot call himself a man if he doesn't eat meat ! Said the Burger Marine.

- You call yourself a man ? You're indulging into our vilest desires ! Replied the Vegan Marine.

- Big talk coming from the traitor !

- How could we support an Imperium that didn't see anything wrong with making living beings suffer for its sustenance ?

- That's called life, you simpleton ! To eat or to be eaten !

- We chose none, barbarian ! We chose to let those creatures live and to go another path !

- You frakking betrayed the whole human race just for the sake of a few stupid ambulls ! And other things yet to be identified that come in our burgers' recipes ! How fanatic is that !?

- Fanatic ? Fanatic ?! Your order declared us heretics for not wanting to eat meat, and I'm the fanatic ?!

- You were declared heretics AFTER you joined the ruinous powers because you were whining about animal rights ! »

And suddenly, the guardsman snapped.

« Oh, will you just shut up, the two of you ! »

Surprised, the two Marines looked at the puny human who dared to interrupt them. But the Guardsman was far from having finished.

« You just look ridiculous, both of you ! Okay, eating meat is part of mankind's history, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't care about the way we get our food, and the way it is produced ! Because frankly, the way you raise your cattle is barbaric ! »

A smile began to form on the Vegan Marine's face, but it quickly dropped when the Guardsman faced him.

« And as for you, you're just equally stupid ! Turning vegan because it doesn't make other living beings suffer ? Plants are living beings ! You're still eating something that's alive and thriving ! Didn't you learn anything in biology ? Besides, no matter your ideas, they're not worse killing other people for them ! Frankly, you should just stop this stupid fight and take a moment to think about what you're doing and what you're standing for. »

The Burger Marine frowned.

« - So, you're asking us to act reasonably ?

- Exactly ! »

The two marines looked at each other...

And then both pointed their weapons at the Guardsman.

« HERESY ! » shouted the two Marines in unison.

DAKKA ! DAKKA !


	70. Never decline a free offer

The portal to the Warp opened up without any warnings right in the middle of the restaurant's great dining room. Everybody present instinctively cleared the area, as none of them wanted to stay too close to the gaping hole in the fabric of reality.

And the strangest Space Marines ever seen started to walk out of it. Their armors were black and decorated with flame motifs, but the most astounding feature was the over prominence of bones and skulls on them. What was truly strange was the fact that those bones weren't looking fake ; in fact, on many of those Marines, it was as if they had grown over their armors.

Once an entire company of those Marines had stepped out of the portal, they immediately got into formation, as disciplined and professionnal warriors. One of them stepped out and walked towards Kayeff See, who, like the rest of the assembly, had been watching them with awe and stupefaction.

« We are the Legions of the Damned, said the strange Marine. Even though our bodies had been corrupted by the Warp, we are still serving the God-Emperor, fighting anywhere we are needed, anytime the Imperium requires us. The Emperor's Tarot revealed that we were needed at this time, in this place. What is it we can do for you, brother ? »

It took See a few seconds what he just heard, but when he finally realized what was happening, his face brightened up.

« A lot, brother ! »

* * *

><p><p>

_Twenty minutes later..._

« Come on, hurry up ! We need 1000 more of those menus by the end of the hour ! »

The Marines from the Legion of the Damned increased the speed at which they were flipping their burgers and frying their french fries. The Burger Marines were greatly in need, alright : many of them were indisposed after mushroom beer had accidentally been served to them at their last meal, and right when a Tyranid Fleet had diverted its course for going to their restaurant ! They were extremely lucky those Marines showed up for helping them, otherwise they would never have been able to follow up with those commands !

The leader of the Damned, however, still sighed heavily.

« This Tarot really needs to be revised... »


End file.
